The Girl With Kaleidoscope Eyes

Back to reality

2011-04-13T21:23:00.000-07:00

Well, the vacation is over and we had a wonderful time. I was afraid I would be really sad to come home, but I think we were gone long enough that I felt like I got all the R&R that I wanted and I’m glad to be back to the routine, sleeping in my own bed with my puppy (and Bowie) snuggled up next to me. I won’t bore you with a day by day description of everything we did, but there were a few things I wanted to write about.

Beautiful Mexico

The landscaping and gardens at our hotel blew my mind. It was so gorgeous and every time I walked through the gardens I was in awe of the beauty. I know that the landscape in Mexico isn’t naturally put together in such an amazing way. Where people haven’t interfered there are just a lot of trees and bushes growing wild, not the beautiful landscaped gardens we saw on the resort, but the where the time is taken the tropical plants are beautiful and I love them!

Another thing that I loved about the resort and the area is the wildlife we saw around. There are a lot of different birds, some big rodent things and all kinds of lizards running wild, including big iguanas. That might freak you out of you don’t like reptiles, but I love them so I was in heaven looking for, and finding, lizards everywhere we went. I wanted to catch one and snuggle it but I’m pretty sure that would have ended badly, so I just contented myself with taking pictures of them.

The beach and ocean where we were was amazing. The water was warm and very comfortable. You could play in the waves all day and not be cold. We had fun playing in the waves with the kids, and watching the sun set behind the palm trees on the last night we were there. The beach was beautiful white sand and I thoroughly enjoyed lounging on a beach chair in the shade of a palm tree watching the ocean. I just love beaches and palm trees; it was very peaceful.

Cool People

There were people from all over the world vacationing at our resort, and one thing that was very refreshing was that no one seemed to judge anyone else. For example, there were many large women wearing small swimsuits/bikinis. I’m not a small woman and I am very uncomfortable wearing a swim suit that doesn’t cover my problem areas (tummy, hips, and thighs). So I was really pleased to see women who would wear whatever they wanted without worrying what other people might think of them. And I didn’t see anyone who looked shocked or disgusted by what anyone else was wearing either. Everyone seemed to have a live and let live attitude and I absolutely loved it! I finally got over my tank top discomfort and was very glad to have something cool to wear in the evenings. After growing up in Utah all my life, it was just so refreshing to not have anyone judge me for wearing something that’s not modest, or for having a tattoo or for drinking alcohol or coffee. There was absolutely nothing out of the ordinary about any of those things. We fit in there. It was so great!

I also loved the opportunity to visit a different country and experience their beautiful culture. It was very eye opening and I think it was a valuable experience for all of us.

Family Time

Traveling with teenagers (The Girl is just 11 but she acts like a teenager already) is always a challenge; grumpiness can ensue at any time without warning. But I feel like we had some really good family bonding time on this vacation. We told the kids that they could go places in the resort without us as long as they were with each other, which mostly applied to The Girl because she is younger than The Boy. They did a good job of sticking together and The Boy was generally in good spirits, except when he got sick on our second night there. That sucked, but considering that he wasn’t feeling well some of the time he was still pretty pleasant to be around. It was nice to spend that much time as a family; although I’m not sure my kids would agree with me. I hope they will remember the good times laughing and being silly together. We had a lot of those moments. They are priceless!

We already knew this, but we re-affirmed the fact that Bowie is a bit clumsy, especially when it comes to water. We took an excursion to Tulum and Xel-ha one of the days. Tulum is an old city of Mayan ruins. Xel-ha is an area where a fresh water river empties into the ocean. The water is crystal clear and there are a lot of gorgeous fish to see while snorkeling. Usually you start at the top of the river and float on a tube down to where the snorkeling is. We rode bikes to the top of the river and that was awesome! Riding a bike in the jungle, how cool is that!?! At the top of the river we each got an inflated tube and began the leisurely float down the river. The first part of the river is pretty narrow with trees growing all around and over the river so you feel like you are in a cave. We had only been on our tubes for a few minutes when I heard a splash and looked over at Bowie who was now in the water. He had gotten off balance on his tube and had tipped over. He had a life jacket on, which is good because he’s not a great swimmer, so he was fine floating to a part of the river where he could get back onto his tube. We all had a good chuckle about that. Then, after we got to the bottom of the river we got some snorkeling gear and headed back to the water to snorkel. There are several wood docks with stairs right down to the water, which makes it easy to get into the water. I was walking behind Bowie and I saw him slip on one of the steps landing on his bum. Luckily he wasn’t hurt, just a little embarrassed.

The next day Bowie and I grabbed a couple of kayaks at our resort and headed out into the ocean for some fun kayaking. A little ways out Bowie got a cramp in his leg and in an effort to adjust his position he ended up tipping his kayak over. Luckily, again, he was wearing a life jacket. But in the waves and everything he couldn’t get back onto his kayak so I was going to tow him back to shore, but right then a sail boat with a couple of guys who worked at the resort came to rescue him. It was awesome because one guy was standing at the front of the boat with one hand raised in the air and singing some superhero music. I think they were thrilled to “save” someone. So they got Bowie on their boat and one of the guys got in his kayak and took it back to the shore. Bowie got back into his kayak there and we set off again for a less adventurous time. It was pretty damn funny though. And believe it or not, none of Bowie's mis-adventures were related to alcohol. He’s just that clumsy. Luckily he is a good sport and we can laugh about it.

I have mentioned before that we are “nature lovers” in that we enjoy having sex in fun places outdoors. So of course when we saw the beach we knew we needed a beach romp. So one evening, after we got the kids settled in our room we went for a “walk”. We walked to the edge of the resort, which has an area of the beach that isn’t used as much, and found a beach chair in a nice darker spot on the beach and got busy. I thoroughly enjoyed being completely naked under the stars and palm trees, feeling the soft caress of the breeze on my bare skin. It was very erotic and we both enjoyed it a lot. After a few minutes we noticed an employee walking to a building on the beach near where we were. All the lights were out when we got there so we assumed no one was in there, but then he started shinning a spot light around and we kind of freaked out. We figured that he was probably just making sure no one was swimming in the ocean at night because that can be dangerous; he probably wasn’t looking for lovers on the beach. And it wouldn’t have been a big deal to get busted naked on the beach anyway, I’m sure it’s pretty common there actually. But it made things more exciting that’s for sure.

We had a great time in Mexico. This was the perfect vacation spot for me. We can’t do a vacation like this every year because it’s pricey, but I think we have enough pictures and memories to last a while.

Paradise, here we come!

2011-04-02T12:37:00.000-07:00

I may have mentioned a few hundred times before that I hate winters in Utah. Last year we took a little vacation to Florida to soak up some rays, and that was great. So this year, in about January I started really wanting to go somewhere warm on vacation. Bowie has some sky miles and hotel points save up from his travels, so we decided to use up the last of his points to go on an awesome vacation.

So we planned a 7 night stay at an all-inclusive resort near Cancun, got the kids passports and waited anxiously for time to pass so we could get the hell out of here and have some fun. Well, that time has almost come; we leave Monday morning.

I’ll be sure to blog about any crazy drunk adventures and post pictures. Adios!

UFO's Coming Soon!

2011-03-23T12:29:00.000-07:00

I saw this sticker on a magazine rack on a street in downtown Salt Lake City, and I was like "Seriously? Someone should tell Monson."

Well, now you know at least. The UFO's are coming in 2012. I suspected it:)

New Holy Ground

2011-03-22T16:47:00.000-07:00

This song is New Holy Ground by Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark, or OMD. Yes, that OMD. They released a new album after taking a 14 year break. They are coming to Salt Lake City in concert tomorrow night and I will be there.

I have loved this band for many years but I kind of forgot how great they are until I started listening to their music again after we got their new CD. This song, New Holy Ground, in particular expresses very well how it feels to lose a belief in religion. It’s really great. Here are all the lyrics because they are fantastic!

There's no time for theory
And there's no time for tears
And there's no point in trying
We wasted all these years

And there's no way of knowing
If this pain will ever fade
And there is no denying
That this is what we made

Take a look at yourself and walk to the edge
And take a deep breath and be someone else
Take a look at yourself and see what is found
Step into the light onto new holy ground

There's no hope of savior
And there's no escape from sin
We must now abandon
the people that we've been

So take a look at yourself and walk to the edge
Take a deep breath and be someone else
Take a look at yourself and see what is found
Step into the light onto new holy ground

Take a look at yourself, walk to the edge
Take a deep breath and be someone else
Take a look at yourself, see what is found
Step into the light onto new holy ground

My sweet love muffin

2011-03-16T20:25:00.000-07:00

I love this dog! Her name is Chloe and she is a 5 year old Boston terrier. We got her when she was a puppy and have been crazy in love with her from the moment we got her. She is a wonderful companion dog. She will love you no matter what. She doesn't care if you just got out of bed, your hair is sticking up and you have morning breath. I think she prefers that actually. But my point is, she loves unconditionally and I no matter what she will always be there to give you kisses and snuggles.

She really loves blankets so I took a couple of pictures of her snuggling with one of her favorite blankets. She makes me happy.

Hi, everybody!

2011-03-15T11:31:00.000-07:00

Wow, I’ve really been a slacker and haven’t posted here for a while. I’d like to say that it’s because I’ve been super busy with really important stuff, but lies makes baby Jesus cry. So, I’ll just say that I haven’t had much going on and haven’t really had anything exciting to talk about. And that’s ok with me. But I actually have one thing that has made me a bit giddy of late, and that is…I GOT AN iPHONE!

I know, I know, all the cool kids already have an iPhone. I've never claimed to be one of the cool kids, so I’m excited none the less. Anyway, I’m having fun taking pictures and editing them with my iPhone and so I thought I’d post some pictures here when I don’t have anything interesting to write about.

So, for my first iPhone picture I will reveal the girl behind The Girl With Kaleidoscope Eyes. Just my picture anyway. I’m still not going to use my name, but I figured I’d just put myself out there so you can put a face with all the crazy ramblings. There you have it. Hi, everybody!

One of my favorite internet people

2011-01-28T12:27:00.000-08:00

Shreve Stockton is the creator of The Daily Coyote and Honey Rock Dawn websites. I have followed The Daily Coyote website for a couple of years. I think I first heard about it when Blurbomat posted a series of pictures of coyotes he had taken, and then linked to The Daily Coyote for more coyote pictures.

Shreve fell in love with the landscape in Wyoming while riding her Vespa across the country (that’s an interesting story too), and moved there shortly after she completed her trip. Not too long after moving to Wyoming, Shreve had an opportunity to raise an orphaned, 10 day old, wild born coyote (Charlie) who was unexpectedly delivered to her doorstep. Charlie’s parents had been shot for killing sheep and he would have died without her care, so she took on the enormous task of caring for a wild coyote and documenting it with beautiful photographs of Charlie posted to the website daily. She also wrote a book called The Daily Coyote describing the first little while with Charlie and her new life in Wyoming, which is fantastic! I highly recommend it.

Last year Shreve started another website called Honey Rock Dawn, where she writes about her life in general and the rest of her farmily (this is her animal family consisting of a coyote, a hound dog, a cat, a dairy cow, two bulls, a horse, and a cranky goose) as well as her cowboy, Mike. While I’m certain I couldn’t take the small town life for long, she revels in it and I absolutely love to read about her experiences living in a small town, except the crazy stalker guy who came to town to make a surprise visit. That was very scary, but she handled it amazingly well.

I love animals and Shreve has such a wonderful connection with her animals and the land. The way she describes them and her life makes me happy just reading it. She is a wonderfully optimistic person who is content with the simple things in life. Following her websites has made me appreciate what I have and has helped me to be more conscious of our world and resources. If you haven’t ever been to her websites you really should take a look. You won’t regret it.

Overcompensating

2011-01-25T15:05:00.000-08:00

I’ve noticed an interesting shift in my thinking and behavior since I lost my belief in the LDS church. It seems that I am more focused on doing the “right” thing and being a good person overall than when I was a believing member, and I find that really interesting. I was trying to figure out why that is and I think I’ve narrowed it down to a couple of reasons.

Mormons tend to believe that anyone who leaves the church will turn into someone with no morals or conscience.

I can see how, when you no longer believe in the church, you no longer feel compelled by the fear of eternal damnation to do everything the church teaches is “right”. So that may be why members perceive those who leave the church as horrible sinners, because from their perspective ditching your garments, drinking coffee or going bowling on Sunday is a pretty big no/no.

So I have been trying extra hard to be more kind and friendly to my LDS acquaintances because I feel like I have to somehow prove that I’m still a good person even though I have left the church. I don’t know if it’s working or not. I think on some level our LDS family members, friends and neighbors will always be a little wary of us because it’s what they have always been taught, even if they don’t consciously realize it. I get irritated that I even care. But I do care...a little. I hope that over time they will be able to see that we are the same good people.
I feel more of a responsibility to those who are not Mormon because I think that Mormons tend to only focus on each other.

I think many members assume that their donations to the church are helping to take care of the poor and needy throughout the world, and that’s true to an extent. But the church mostly takes care of other church members. If there is a disaster somewhere the church might help out there too, but much more could and should be done to help those suffering throughout the world, whether they are members of the church or not.

So here I feel an obligation to try to compensate for the LDS people who won’t give to any other charity because they pay their tithing and fast offerings. But I have limited resources and can’t help as much as I would like to. I have talked to Bowie about having a “family night” once a month where we go help out at the food bank or something like that; it’s a start.

I think it’s good that we have become more aware of the rest of the world, rather than just those in our Mormon bubble. But I don’t want to just transfer the guilt I used to feel about not being a good enough Mormon to feeling guilty about not being a good enough fellow human being. Has anyone else felt this way or am I just bound to be guilt ridden for the rest of my life? I know we all have a responsibility to help others, and there’s nothing wrong with showing love and concern for others. I just need to accept me for who I am and not care what anyone else thinks of me, and find comfort in simply doing what I can and then be ok with that. I'll work on it.

A bit of good news

2011-01-17T19:46:00.000-08:00

Last week Bowie got a promotion at work, which means he won’t be traveling anymore! He has traveled with his job for the last seven years in addition to getting his college degree at the same time. It’s been hard on us all having him gone so much.

Because Bowie works in the computer industry he has been laid off multiple times and so even though he didn’t prefer to travel, he has been happy to have a stable job. I didn’t complain about the travel because I was glad to have the reliable income and I didn’t think it would be a big deal managing everything while Bowie was gone.

I tried to have a good attitude, and for the most part I handled everything ok, but increasingly I noticed that Bowie was missing kid’s events that we really wanted him to be to. He hated to miss them too, but didn’t have much control over his travel schedule.

Managing the kid’s homework, all the chores and the various responsibilities at home in general has gotten really tiring, but I think the hardest part about Bowie traveling has been the lack of emotional support. I know that I drink a lot more when he’s out of town because sometimes I’m sad or lonely and, although talking on the phone is nice, it’s not the same as having him here to listen and just hold me.

I know traveling so much has been hard on him too, and I think he will probably write about things from his perspective. But I’m just relieved he won’t be traveling anymore, I’m still having a hard time believing it’s really true. I am going to miss the sky miles and hotel points he gets when he travels, but I guess we’ll just have to get used to paying for our vacations now. It’s a fair trade off:D

Our trip to visit the in-laws

2011-01-05T12:22:00.000-08:00

I mentioned here how I was dreading the trip we were planning to take in between Christmas and New Years Eve to visit Bowie’s parents. As the trip drew closer I tried to have a good attitude about it because Bowie said his parents were really excited for our visit and had a lot of fun things planned. And I have to say that overall it was a successful trip in the sense that we had a very pleasant visit with Bowie’s parents reminiscent of those we used to have before we told them we don’t believe in the church.

They were thrilled to see the kids and enjoyed showing us around their new town and introducing us to their neighbors. Church was not brought up once and that was great. The only real complaint I have about the trip overall is that I SPENT THREE FULL DAYS WITH MY IN-LAWS.

They are old and have MANY annoying behaviors and habits that are getting worse the older they get. They had a clear agenda in mind and we were basically dragged around, subjected to a tour of things that interest them. Since we like different things than they do we didn’t find many of the “activities” they had planned as interesting as they did. I did my best to play the role of quiet, obedient wife / daughter in-law and basically turn off my brain so I could tolerate the “fun”.

The Boy commented while we were there (when we were alone) that “This place would be fun to come to on vacation”. It really would, it was a fun place. But it wasn’t our vacation, it was an obligatory visit with Bowie’s parents to try to repair a damaged relationship and now we can say we have visited and won’t have to worry about it for a while (I hope!).

We spent two days traveling and three days visiting. That’s five days of paid leave, gone. I need a vacation! (I was going to say I need a drink, but after New Year’s Eve I may not drink again, or for a while anyway:)

I'm so tired

2010-12-17T14:18:00.000-08:00

These lyrics are from the song "I'm so tired" by the band Say Hi to Your Mom. It really describes what I'm thinking.

I know I’ve been pretty quiet around here of late, and it’s not because I haven’t had anything to talk about. It’s mostly because, as I feared, the cold weather, shorter days and impending holiday season has done a number on me. I got a SAD light, and I use it every day at work. I think my co-workers are suspicious of the strange blue light coming from my cubicle, but few actually ask about it. I don’t care. I’m desperate and willing to try just about anything so if I appear odd to coworkers because of my light…eh, whatever! But my little light can’t work miracles. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t want to read blogs or even look at Facebook. I think I just need an information vacation. But I'm here at work and I need a break for a few minutes so I’ll try, for like the tenth time, to write about why I hate Christmas.

A while back I posted this on Facebook:

Confession time: I really HATE Christmas! Any suggestions on how I can have a better view of this time of year so I don't spend the next two months suppressing my urge to punch everyone who loves Christmas (because I do really like them, I just don't get them)?

I got some comments from people who love Christmas and don’t understand not loving it, and some people said they felt that way too but try to focus on Christ, blah, blah, blah. But one person asked me what specifically I don’t like about Christmas. Since I don’t like to divulge too much personal information on Facebook (which I really should have thought about before I made the comment to begin with):) I just said:

I don't really know why I hate it, but I have as long as I can remember. I think it has something to do with hating winter (so celebrating the Winter Solstice won't work:) and also the stress associated with Christmas time. I'm always so relieved when it's over!

But the thing is, I really DO know why I hate it I just have a hard time expressing my feelings about it. I think I have figured out most of what bothers me about the holidays so I’ll put it here because that's what my blog is for, right? Plus, you guys already know I’m crazy. Some of my Facebook friends don’t know that yet and I’d like to prolong the fantasy as long as possible.

I think this year, the main thing that has bothered me about the holidays is how many people are struggling and in need of help. We try to help a family in need each year, and in addition to that, instead of giving our parents a present we are giving a donation to a charity in their name. So I feel like I’m doing as much as I can to help those who are struggling right now but it seems like a drop in the bucket. And I know that people struggle all year long, but it seems that this time of the year everything is magnified and it’s more difficult for people who don’t have money. So that’s one thing.

The other thing that bothers me is the pressure and stress associated with the holidays. I know this is self inflicted, but it’s hard to not feel stressed out by all that needs to be done (and by “need”, what I mean is, things I feel I should do to be a good mom/wife/friend, etc.). I don’t want my kids to suffer because I don’t like Christmas so I want to make it fun for them. The Girl and I have been making and decorating cupcakes for our neighbor gifts this year and we have had a wonderful time together doing them.

But we haven’t done much other Christmassy stuff this year. I think part of the reason is because the kids are getting older and don’t really care to see Christmas lights or Santa. But also because, now that we have left the Mormon church, we have kind of given up on Christ too. It’s hard to retain a belief in Christ when you critically look at Christianity the way you do Mormonism. So that means that Christmas isn’t about celebrating the birth of Christ, but that doesn’t have to mean it no longer has meaning. I think the challenge we face is defining Christmas differently so it’s still special and still represents peace, love and giving of ourselves. It’s just hard to not get overwhelmed by the suffering that occurs in the world. Deep breath…ok. Now back to hibernation.

I wish you all a happy and safe holiday!

Epiphany

2010-11-11T17:42:00.000-08:00

I listened to this Radio West podcast the other day and it made me think about a dream I had almost 18 years ago. Have you ever had a dream that profoundly changed the way you view something? My dreams are usually very strange and seem nonsensical, but I had a dream once that was so vivid and poignant that it has stayed fresh in my memory.

I have mentioned before that my oldest sister (I call her #1 because she is the oldest child in my family) has schizophrenia. This caused a lot of challenges for our family. Over time I grew to resent #1 because I felt that she had ruined our family. I thought that if she was just normal we would have a perfect and wonderful family. Instead, she caused my parents enormous worry and heartache, took a lot of their time that they could have focused on the rest of the family and created a general feeling of discord when she was around.

I didn’t always feel this way about her, of course. But over the years, as her mental illness progressed and worsened, my patience for her wore thin and I viewed her as an irritation, or worse. I know that wasn’t a nice way to think about her, but I was being selfish and could only see things from one perspective at that point in my life.

When I got engaged I planned on having all my sisters (I have four sisters and one sister in-law) in the reception line. I know that’s totally cheesy but that’s what we did back then. Anyway, a few days before my wedding my sister (#1) disappeared. This was not uncommon. Her husband would kick her out of their apartment because she was acting crazy (usually because he gave her drugs) and my parents wouldn’t let her stay at their house because she could be dangerous, so she would take off with a stranger who would give her a ride somewhere in exchange for…um, services. It wasn’t uncommon for her to be gone for days or even weeks but she usually contacted her husband or my parents eventually, asking for money or a ride home. This time, though, no one knew where she was. Her husband called my mom the day before my wedding and told her he had been driving around looking for my sister but couldn’t find her. He knew my wedding was the next day, and as much of a scum bag as he was he did realize how important family was and didn’t want her to miss my wedding.

My mom mentioned to me that #1 might not be at my reception if she didn’t turn up soon and I hate to admit that I was actually relieved. She often did and said crazy things that embarrassed me and I was really worried about her behavior at my reception; I wanted everything to go smoothly and with her there was never a guarantee.

My wedding and reception went off without a hitch. My sister wasn’t there and I hardly gave her a second thought. But a few weeks after my wedding I went to visit my parent’s and #1 was there. She apologized for missing my wedding and gave me a wedding gift. I tried to tell her that it was totally ok but I could tell she felt really bad. I felt bad that she felt bad and also felt bad that I had been relieved that she wasn’t there. I didn’t really give her much thought after that because I was married and on my own and I was glad to be away from the chaos that she caused.

But a few months later I had a dream that altered me to the very core. In my dream I was my sister; I knew her thoughts and could see what she saw. In my dream she was sleeping under a viaduct in downtown Salt Lake City. She was curled up in a big heavy blanket but was still very cold. She was scared and very sad because she had nowhere to go and no one wanted her around. She knew that there was no one who cared about her or whether she lived or died. She felt utterly and completely alone in the world. I awoke from that dream sobbing, and it took me a while to stop.

I thought about how horrible it must be to be my sister. She can’t control the fact that she has a mental illness. She wouldn’t chose it if she had the choice. She doesn’t know what thoughts are crazy and what ones aren’t. She has made some bad choices which have worsened her mental illness. But again, I don’t know how much control she has over her choices so I can’t really blame her for that either. All I know is that in that instant all the anger and resentment I had felt toward my sister over the years went away and in its place was a greater understanding of her and others who also experience mental illnesses. It was a gift.

I don't want it to be Us vs. Them

2010-11-02T12:58:00.000-07:00

My extended family (i.e., my parents, siblings, nieces and nephews) has a monthly get-together wherein we celebrate all the birthdays in that month, which is really a good idea because my family is pretty large. These gatherings are usually pleasant with a lot of good food and conversation. In general, my family doesn’t like confrontation or the possibility of offending anyone so we only talk about things that are happy and fluffy. I know this is not a healthy way of operating, but I hate conflict as much as they do so we all smile and talk about our kid’s soccer game or science project or whatever. It seems to work for us so that’s what we do.

Anyway, at the last family party I wanted to tell my sister (#5) about my crazy concert night because she and I always share our funny stories and I knew she would appreciate it. However, I knew the subject matter would make the TBM’s uncomfortable, so I decided we should go into the other room and talk while we ate cake and ice cream.

My sister’s non-TMB husband happened to already be in that room watching TV when we went in there, which wasn’t a problem. But as I started telling her the story, my husband (Bowie), my non-TBM brother, my niece and her boyfriend all sat down to listen to the story and share their funny drinking stories. We were laughing and having a good time when I realized that there was a definite divide going on; the TBM’s were in one room and the non-TBM’s were in another room. As soon as we realized it my sister and I went back into the main room to visit with everyone else. I don’t know if the TBM’s even noticed we weren’t there, but I felt bad that we seem to be divided at times since my two sisters and I have left the church.

I know the rest of my family knows we drink, but if I brought up a funny drinking story in front of the whole family I think their heads might explode from the discomfort that conversation would cause. And because I don’t like awkward situations either I’m afraid my only options are to either not talk about those things at family parties, or go into another room and split the family. Since I rarely see any of my family outside of the family parties I am disappointed to not be able to visit with the non-TBM’s about non-church friendly subjects, especially since it’s still new to us.

But I also love my TBM family members and don’t want to make them feel bad or feel like I don’t care about them the way I used to. The problem is, now that I’ve left the church I don’t talk about church (obviously) and that seems to be the majority of what TBM’s talk about so it’s hard for us to relate to each other now. I’m a bit torn; any suggestions?

It's better when I'm drunk

2010-10-27T18:23:00.000-07:00

I’m going to start by making a little change. When I first started my blog I referred to my husband as Jett because he travels a lot (yes, I do think I’m clever). But then I told him about my blog and he started his own blog and calls himself Bowie there. I think it’s getting a little confusing having two names for him so I’m going to start calling him Bowie here too. Sorry if that’s confusing but you’ll get used to it.(:

Ok, now on to the topic at hand: drinking. Bowie blogged about a concert we went to a few weeks ago here, and I didn’t really think it was necessary to write about it because I have already mentioned how much I love Blue October here and here so I didn’t want to be redundant (which I have a habit of doing).

Another reason I didn’t blog about it was because, to be brutally honest, I don’t remember a whole lot of the concert. That’s not to say I didn’t enjoy it, what I do remember kicked ass, but I was a little too drunk. I have come to the realization that I have a WAY better time at concerts when I’m drunk, or at least pretty good and tipsy. Why is that? Well, I think it would help if I explained a little about how my brain works (or malfunctions, which ever).

I have always been shy. Along with being shy I have always hated being the center of attention or drawing attention to myself. So I avoided doing things that would bring attention to me. This includes singing or playing an instrument. As a child I rarely sang out loud because I was too embarrassed to have anyone hear me, so I only ever really sang if I was alone. Even singing in church in a group I would sing very quietly so no one could distinguish my voice from the others.

In junior high and high school I didn’t take any music classes; none. I think a music class in some form is required but I slipped through the cracks somehow and got away with it. I actually like music a lot, and it’s not that music wasn’t present in my home, because my dad is a wonderful pianist. He loves to play the piano. At times I thought he loved his piano more than us kids because he babied that thing. He has always had the calling of ward organist and likes to brag that he was trained on the organ in the Salt Lake tabernacle.

So, anyway, because my dad loved piano so much he offered to teach us kids how to play the piano. But knowing that sometimes it’s hard to learn from your dad, my parents also offered to pay for piano lessons or lessons for another instrument if we preferred. My younger sister took piano for a few years from someone else and my other younger sister took flute lessons from someone, but both lost interest and stopped taking lessons or playing their instruments fairly quickly. I actually did take piano lessons from my dad for a little bit. He had the easy piano books and I enjoyed playing those songs, but the problem was I was too embarrassed to practice while anyone was around to hear me because I didn’t think I was very good; which is so stupid because of course I wasn’t very good, I was just learning, DUH! **slaps forehead in frustration**. So after a while I stopped taking piano lessons because I never felt comfortable enough to just play the piano and enjoy it regardless of whether I was good or not (this is kind of the story of my life, sadly). Add this to my LONG list of regrets.

Singing is a little different because when you go to church there is singing; plain and simple. But as a teenager I wasn’t happy so the rare times I would actually go to church I didn’t sing. I just couldn’t make myself do it, because I was that miserable, and also because I hated my voice and didn’t want anyone to hear it. After I decided to start going to church again when I graduated from high school I was committed to being the best Mormon I could, singing and all (I even bore my testimony once). But I still sang so quietly that no one could hear me, but you could tell I was singing and that was good enough for me.

I met Bowie pretty soon after that and I remember even a while after we were married he used to stop singing in church to try to hear me sing because I sang so quietly. When I realized what he was doing I would stop singing too. But eventually he convinced me to actually sing loud enough to hear and over time (I’m talking years) I got used to him hearing me sing and I was less and less shy about singing around him. I did get to the point that I was ok singing in church at a normal volume as long as there were plenty of people around so my voice didn’t stand out. But I had a hard time when I was a primary teacher because the kids don’t sing half the time so you have to be the example and sing loudly. Plus, I always felt bad for the poor primary chorister who usually worked so hard on making the music fun only to have the kids show more interest in their shoes.

I’m different with my children. I often sang to them or with them because they were my kids and they didn’t care or even know if I sang badly. So I have gotten to the point that at home I am comfortable singing like a crazy woman and I don’t really care how bad I sound. Sometimes we all sing in the car to music we all enjoy and I LOVE it. If The Boy sings it’s usually quietly in his room to his music, but The Girl sings ALL THE TIME. I mean, if she is awake she is either talking, singing or humming something. Often I will join in and we’ll sing together and it’s great. But that’s me at home. I’m still very uncomfortable singing in front of other people, even my friends, siblings or parents. Yes, I know I’m a freak.

So maybe knowing this about me will help you understand why it’s helpful to drink before I go to a concert. If I haven’t had any alcohol before a show I will be my usual reserved self which is always disappointing to me because I want to have fun but I just won’t allow myself to let loose and have a good time when I’m sober. There are some concerts that I’m fine being a little more reserved so I won’t drink at all, but Blue October is my favorite band and they put on such a great live show that I wanted to be sure I could really enjoy it fully. But this presents a bit of a challenge, at least in Utah it does.

One challenge is that drinks in Utah are WEAK. So in order to get to the point where I’m feeling good I have to buy quite a few drinks, which is ridiculously expensive at a club and a pain because you have to keep going back to the bar to get more drinks (or at least Bowie does, I stay and save our spot). We have tried pre-loading (as my little brother calls it) where you drink before you get to the show, but I’ve had mixed results with that. I usually find that by the time the main band hits the stage the alcohol has mostly worn off and I either have to pay out the wazoo for drinks at the bar or try to have fun sober, which I can do, it’s just better when I’m drunk.

So this will explain why I don’t remember much of the Blue October concert a few weeks ago. I pre-loaded, but I wanted to be sure I was still feeling good after the opening band finished so I drank more than usual. Luckily Bowie doesn’t drink as fast as I do and he hadn’t finished his drink before we got to the venue and ended up throwing a lot of it away. I’m a good drinker and I finished all of mine (we each had two 16 oz. bottles of soda that we added several ounces of alcohol to). By the time we got into the venue I was pretty tipsy and really glad Bowie was there to keep me on my feet. We went upstairs to the balcony and settled in behind another couple for the show (it was a general admission, standing only little place). I wasn’t really interested in the opening band; I don’t even remember who it was, so I just held on to Bowie and rested my head on his shoulder while they played. He told me I kept telling him how much I love him. I don’t remember that, but I guess it’s better than telling him he’s an asshole or something, right?

When Blue October came out I totally got into the show and had a good time, at least that’s my memory of it. I think, however, that I may have crossed the line from “having a good time” to being the “obnoxious drunk chick” because I was singing the songs so loud the only way to describe it would be screaming. Luckily the music was loud so I’m hoping I wasn’t as obnoxious as I think I might have been. After each song I would clap and scream as loud as I could. During some of the songs I just bawled, I mean sloppy ugly bawling, because their music has so much meaning to me. I truly dropped all my inhibitions and, although I cringe a little when I think about the poor people around me, I had a great time. It feels really good to totally be free of all concerns of embarrassment and just let loose because I very rarely do that.

Hmm…I guess I remember more of the show than I thought, and I will probably drink less next time; you live and learn. But damn, that was sure fun!

In or out?

2010-10-24T12:35:00.000-07:00

When we had our names removed from the church records I expected all church related contact to end and it has for the most part; except it seems that Jett is still on the Elders Quorum e-mail list, which is a totally understandable oversight. So he got an e-mail from the Elders Quorum with a list of upcoming activities. One of the activities was the ward Halloween carnival, so Jett asked me if I wanted to go. I said “No, we aren’t in the ward anymore” which started a bit of a debate about whether we can or should go to ward activities anymore.

I wrote here about a ward activity I thought about going to, but we hadn’t had our names removed then. We were still officially in the ward even if we didn’t go to church or believe it was true. Now we are not members of the ward. We wouldn’t have even known about the activity if he hadn’t received the e-mail that was intended “for ward members”. Jett feels like we are intentionally isolating ourselves from our neighbors by not going to these activities. My view is that that’s part of leaving the church.

There is nothing stopping us from taking the initiative to get together with our neighbors individually, but we never have mainly because we are not very social people. But also because we don’t have as much in common with our neighbors, especially since we have left the church. One thing the church does well is providing members with an instant social group and activities, which is something that makes leaving the church really hard for some people, not me of course, but some people. For the most part, this is how church members socialize; at least this is what we’ve observed. So to not be included in these activities pretty much means not having any social ties in the neighborhood like we used to. That’s a different concept for us.

I don’t think I’m being unreasonable by not going to ward activities anymore. I feel like leaving the church also means forgoing ward activities and the like. Even though Jett is glad to be out of the church because he strongly disagrees with so many of their views, it’s hard for him to think about not ever being included in the social aspects of the church again because it means ostracizing ourselves from the neighbors. I think this is something he’ll have to get used to, because we aren’t in the ward anymore. We weren’t invited, not intentionally at least. It seems that it’s the price you pay when you leave the church. What do you guys think?

Did you at least give them nipples?

2010-10-21T21:25:00.000-07:00

Today I listened to the AWESOME Mormon Stories Podcast with Mr. Deity, Brian Dalton. I laughed the whole way through, that guy is SO damn funny! I’m a huge fan of sarcasm and the Mr. Deity shows are full of it…sarcasm that is. But on the podcast Brian and Amy (Lucy) acted out an episode called Mr. Deity and the Help Meet, which is great and made me think of conversations I have with a co-worker friend of mine all the time.

This is where the men are going to start getting irritated, so here is your warning:

IF YOU HAVE A PENIS STOP READING RIGHT NOW!!!

Ok, if you have a penis and you are still reading this, don’t get mad at me. You were warned!

Our conversations usually start out as one asking the other how their evening was. The immediate reply is usually “oh, it was fine”. But then there is almost always an “except…” or “but…”.

What follows can vary greatly, but generally boils down to one of the following:

1 - Grumpy or uncooperative kids
2 - Husbands not on the same page as far as parenting goes, thus contributing to #1
3 - Too much housework to do
4 - Husbands not doing their share of said housework, thus contributing to #3
5 - Overall mental and physical exhaustion

Consider that we are both working mothers, so between the time we get home from work and the time we go to bed we have to make dinner, clean up dinner, help kids with homework, get kids to bed and try to get some housework done. Then there are the extra activities that kids might have during the week or the trips to the store to get this or that. And let’s not even get into the whole intimacy issue because that’s usually the last thing on my mind when I finally get the chance to collapse into bed, and I wish that wasn’t the case because I really like some good action between the sheets.

You know the saying “A woman’s work is never done”? Well that saying seems to sum it up pretty well. I know this sounds like a whole lot of whining and complaining, and it probably is, but it seems that no matter how hard a man tries, the woman will always do more work. In general, the responsibility of caring for the children, making sure the housework gets done and keeping the home running smoothly will always fall on the shoulders of the woman.

I usually have to be the one to ask when I want someone in my house to help out with any chore. Then I’m faced with a double edged sword. I can either be the bitchy nagging wife/mom by asking them to do things, or I can just suck it up and do it myself and end up exhausted and frustrated because I feel like I’m a doormat working my ass off while everyone else gets to have fun. I wish they could see what needs to be done and do it. Is that unreasonable?

Now, I don’t mean to sound like Jett isn’t helpful, because he is. But when I do ask him to help out there is usually some (or a lot of) whining on his part, or an attempt to pawn off the chore to one of the kids. I do think it’s important for kids to learn how to work; my kids do a lot to help out around the house. But I also think kids need the opportunity to be kids and enjoy the carefree time when they don’t have all the responsibilities that come with adulthood.

Like I said, I work full time so that’s the only perspective I have, but this episode of Mr. Deity really seems to sum up the roles of men and women, in a comical, if not slightly exaggerated way. I know that men do a lot and I don’t want it to sound like we women don’t appreciate it. It just seems that no matter how much a man might think that they share the responsibilities around the house equally, there will always be more responsibilities for the woman than the man. But I don’t really know a way around this, any suggestions?

Men, if you did read this feel free to counter my criticisms; I know that this is just my perception and I’m really tired right now so my perception may be a bit skewed. Or if you agree with me, go give your wife a hand around the house or do something special for her (all the time, not just this once). You might just get a little something in return. ;)

Follow the...what?

2010-10-20T19:50:00.000-07:00

So the other day I was chillin’ in the living room while The Girl playing Wii. She was playing a Petz game where she was a dog running around on different assignments. As her dog was running along a path she started to sing “follow the path, follow the path, follow the path, don’t go astray”. She didn’t think anything of it but it made me chuckle. We haven’t been to church in almost two years, but church songs still come to mind. Wow, the brainwashing goes deep!

It's all about balance

2010-10-08T12:49:00.001-07:00

When I first lost my belief in the church, I was seeing a therapist who warned me about hanging out with ex-Mormons too much. He said that they tend to be angry and bitter and that’s not a healthy way to be for very long. I listened to and could understand his concerns but also took into consideration that his view may be a little skewed because he is a Mormon. So I dipped my foot in the pool of ex-Mormonism slowly and carefully.

And I did discover the angry and bitter ex-Mormons that I was warned about. But the interesting thing is, I found that I could relate to their anger and bitterness because I was very fresh in my disaffection and I was angry too. I found the online ex-Mormon community to be very therapeutic for me. It was great to read about others who felt the same way I did and could relate to my struggles, to know I wasn’t alone. My blog and reading other blogs has been wonderful for me.

As my journey out of Mormonism has taken its course I have passed through different stages, from the anger to extreme sadness to joy and elation. I think all these stages are common when you part from a long held belief system. I think it’s important to experience them as needed so you can heal and move on to construct your own belief system and world view. I can see that staying in the anger phase is not healthy, but I really don’t think most ex-Mormons do, it’s just the angry ones who get the most attention. Most ex-Mormons moved on and are happy, well-adjusted people.

So I think it’s important to experience all the phases that come along with leaving Mormonism, but lingering in any one phase too long isn’t healthy, regardless of what it is. And I think the key is balance. Obviously this can apply to anyone in any culture, and balance is different for every person. For some reason it has taken me a while to really acknowledge what it means to me. When I was younger I always tried to be the happy child. But I wasn’t happy, and it was exhausting always pretending to be. Perhaps if I allowed myself the days of moping and grumbling as teenagers are known to do I would have been able to get past my unhappiness and move on to a happier place easier.

So that’s what I’m trying to do now, experience my genuine feelings rather than stuff them down in some deep dark place inside my head hoping they will just go away; because they don’t go away. It’s ok to experience sadness sometimes, sad things happen. But then allow yourself to move past the sadness and into a happier place when you’re ready to. I think this takes a lot of self awareness, and I’m sure I’m just slow figuring this out, I usually am. But I have realized that it’s ok to experience a variety of emotions when traveling through life. It’s actually normal (I know, DUH!). Just don’t hang out in one place too long.

Be real. Be genuine. Live your life in a way that is fulfilling to you while also trying to lift and encourage and improve the lives of those you encounter along the way. You will experience challenges, but that’s what helps to create a rich and meaningful life. Embrace life. All of it!

Woo hoo! We're out!

2010-09-29T12:37:00.000-07:00

I have been keeping a close eye on the mail for the last few weeks knowing that the letter confirming our resignation from the church would be arriving soon. When I got the mail yesterday I noticed more envelopes than usual so I hurried in the house to confirm my suspicions. Indeed there were four envelopes from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints addressed to each one of us. After an excited squeal I tore into mine immediately and yes, it’s official; I AM NO LONGER A MORMON!!! Here is a scan of the short and concise letter I received.

Knowing that it is official now made me giddy. I felt lighter somehow. I immediately called Jett, who is out of town right now and has been as anxious as I have to get the letter. I told him the news and he was happy but a little somber; he writes a bit about his feelings here. I was surprised by his reaction.

Having my name removed from the church records is something I’ve wanted for a while now, and I’m not feeling any regret. I wrote here about the reasons I’m glad I’m no longer a Mormon. But after thinking about it I have to admit that there are things I will miss about being a Mormon (much to my surprise).

I really miss the music. I think I have mentioned before how the hymns just aren’t the same for me, and that really makes me sad. I felt some of my most “spiritual” moments while singing hymns or listening to beautiful church music. Even though I don’t have a good voice I used to really enjoy singing the hymns. Of course I know I can still sing them, it’s not like the hymn police will come and arrest me because I’m singing them but I’m not a member anymore. It just feels wrong to sing them now. Mormon hymns to me have become like a song that got overplayed on the radio and when you hear it you quickly change the station because it grates on your nerves. I just can’t listen to them anymore. That might change over time, we’ll see.

I miss the fun things the church has to offer kids. I’m sad that my kids are missing out on camps and fun activities because I know many people (not me, of course) who have wonderful memories of these activities from their youth. But there are so many reasons for my kids to not be involved in these activities that they outweigh the possibility of good that could come from them. I don’t want my kids indoctrinated and I strongly disagree with many of the church teachings. I have always given my kids the option to attend activities or not. I have made it clear that regardless of what they choose I will support them, and they have chosen to not be involved in Mormon related activities. I know there are other groups’ kids can get involved with to do fun activities that aren’t church related, but my kids are really shy and I can’t get them to do something with kids they don’t know. I’m still trying to figure out how to deal with that.

I miss god. I know that losing belief in the church doesn’t necessitate losing belief in god, but it’s been really hard for me to believe in a god once I applied the same logic that caused me to lose my faith. I should clarify and say that I DON’T miss the angry god that was mean and vindictive, judging every move I made and would separate me from my family in the afterlife because I didn’t follow ALL the asinine Mormon rules. I don’t miss that guy at all! But what I do miss is the idea that I am a daughter of god who knows me and all my weaknesses and loves me unconditionally regardless, because sometimes it felt like god was the only person who did. I don’t know if I was taught about that god or if I just invented him to satisfy a need that I had. But that idea was comforting to me. Now I just feel really alone sometimes. But, like everything, I’m sure that over time I'll come to accept and feel better about this knowledge too.

As much as I hate to admit it, I miss knowing that if I ever need anything I could call my visiting or home teachers and they would be there for us. It’s funny to say that because I HATED when the visiting or home teachers would come over, and I never did call them for anything. But there was a little bit of comfort knowing that if we needed something the church was there for us. I’m sure that I could still call neighbors if we needed help, but it still feels like we are on our own now. Maybe that’s a good lesson to learn. It’s just a different mindset. I hope my neighbors, Mormon or not, know that they can always come to us if they need anything. I’m not sure how to communicate that to them though. I guess that’s another thing we will have to work on.

That’s all I can think of right now. I don’t want this post to be a downer because it really is exciting for me to officially be out of the church. But I think that leaving a tradition I was a part of for 37 years calls for a little retrospection. My experience in the church wasn’t all bad, but it wasn’t good enough to overlook the many glaring problems that exist.

It's coming!!!

2010-09-28T11:20:00.000-07:00

Ok, you guys I need to tell you something. No, it’s not another story about getting caught whilst enjoying the pleasures of love making, although I do have other stories which are pretty funny and I may tell one or two of those sometime if you are interested. But, this is about something entirely different. So here it goes…I’m terrified of winter coming. There, I said it (or typed it or whatever). Phew, it feels good to get that out there.

If you’ve read my blog much you probably noticed that I despise winter. I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD, and last winter in particular KICKED MY ASS. What’s funny is that the weather has been unseasonably warm this fall and I have LOVED it, but I know winter is lurking in the shadows just waiting to rip me from my happy cloud and beat me to a bloody pulp leaving me for dead by the side of the road. Winter is a total douche bag!

I’m trying to enjoy the nice weather while it lasts. But each week I anxiously pull up the weather forecast on the internet preparing myself for the inevitable news of a down turn. Like when you’ve played a prank on your older brother and you just know he’s going to get you back and it’s not going to be good. It’s the waiting that’s a killer. But the forecast calls for another week of nice weather, so it appears that I might survive until October. But the good weather can’t last forever. And eventually winter will come and when it does we are guaranteed MONTHS of cold and snow and being stuck in the house with nothing to do but consume copious amounts of alcohol in order to forget how miserable I am.

Last year we took a vacation to Florida to escape winter. It was heavenly! But we can’t afford to do that every year. And, we are taking a weeklong vacation in between Christmas and New Years to visit Jett’s parents. And this is another cause of anxiety for me, because they HATE me. I’m not going to whine on and on about that since there isn’t anything I can do about it; it is what it is. But I’m really not looking forward to wasting my vacation time sitting at their house while we all try to pretend there isn’t a giant pink elephant in the middle of the room stinking up the place and blocking the TV. It gets exhausting, you know?

Anyway, I’m looking into getting a light box to help with my SAD. I have had a prescription for one for two years and I haven’t actually picked one up because before the weather gets bad I feel pretty good and I don’t think about it. Then, after the bad weather hits it’s all I can do to drag my sorry ass out of bed every day to go to work. Trying to figure out if insurance covers a light box then actually taking the initiative to go and get one is just too much to ask of my brain when it’s in that condition.

So I guess I’m just giving you a heads up. I don’t want my blog to be really depressing, like it was last winter, so I might not post as often. Just know I’m still here, I’m just curled up under the covers sleeping off the Jack and Coke.

Getting caught in the act

2010-09-19T09:28:00.000-07:00

Our wedding anniversary was yesterday and I won’t get all sappy and talk about how much I love him because I have pretty much done that already. But I thought I would tell one of my favorite stories, which also happens to be one of my most embarrassing moments. I both cringe and crack up every time I think about this story; I hope you enjoy it too.

We were married in 1992; I was 19 years old and Jett was 21. We were enjoying the fact that we could have sex whenever we wanted to, so about eight months after we were married, we decided it would be fun to go “parking” but actually have sex instead of make out for hours on end like we did when we were engaged. At that time there was an observation area near the Salt Lake airport where you could park your car and watch the airplanes take off and land (after 9/11 they closed it down because it was viewed as a security threat). We thought that would be a fun place to give it a try, so we drove there and pulled into the parking lot. The lot was pretty full and it was very well lit so we decided to look for another spot that was more secluded.

We drove out of the parking lot and noticed that the road we took to get there continued for a bit so we decided to see where it went. It happened to go a little ways farther and ended up behind a bit of a hill which blocked the light from the parking lot. The road itself was blocked by a closed gate that went into the airport making it basically a dead end. It didn’t look like there would be any traffic there so we thought we had found the perfect spot for a fun little tryst.

So there we are gettin’ busy in the back seat of our old Ford Thunderbird and as soon as we finish we hear a knock on the car window and see a flashlight shining in on us. I can’t even tell you how horrified I was at that moment. There I was a teenage girl completely naked in the back seat of a car with a naked man. I imagine it looked a little questionable. So Jett rolled down the window and an airport security officer told us to get dressed and get out of the car.

Jett got dressed and out of the car before me and as soon as he was out of the car the officer looked in the door at me and asked if I was there of my own will. I answered that I was (maybe I should have told him it was my idea) and Jett told him that we are married. I finished getting dressed and got out of the car also. He checked our ID’s then told us “next time keep it at home”. We said we would and got the hell out of there, embarrassed at getting caught and a little creeped out at the thought of this guy standing next to our car waiting for it to stop rocking so he could check on the “situation”.

It’s mostly funny to think about now, and it hasn’t stopped us from finding fun places to get it on. It’s just too fun. So, who else has a good story of getting caught in the act?

Today's lesson is...

2010-09-17T14:37:00.000-07:00

I read this post by Eliza R. Snitch the other day and it made me a little sad. In it she answered the question of whether she has had her name removed from the records of the church or not. I may have misunderstood the tone, but a couple of the comments seemed to disagree with her decision or reasoning for it. I have a hard time with that kind of judgment; because it seems that no matter what you do someone will think or say YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG! It’s true that you can’t please all of the people all of the time. And you really shouldn’t try because I feel that the whole point of life is to do your best to live a fulfilling life that YOU can be happy with and whether other people agree with your decisions or not should be irrelevant; should being the keyword there. The problem is that no one likes to be judged, and we are all guilty of judging others whether intentionally or not.

So I have been thinking a lot about why people do what they do. I know why I do what I do, because I know what I think and what I have experienced in my life. Because of that I can’t decide what is right for someone else to do in their life. I can give them advice (if they ask for it), but my advice will still come from my limited view, without the benefit of knowing their life experiences and how they might affect the decision.

There is usually judgment by TBM’s when someone leaves the church, or even if they just stop going to church. I’m sure there are a lot of reasons behind this, and I’m not a psychology major so I don’t know what they all are, I just know that it really bugs me. The problem is [CONFESSION TIME] I have found myself doing the very thing that I hate. I have been guilty of judging members of the church for believing in something that I feel is obviously false and have viewed them as being naive or ignorant because they can’t see the issues and still believe in the church (even though this is what I did for 35 years). Or the members who know the issues but still believe, which has been very puzzling to me. Then there are the people who know about the issues, no longer believe the church is true, but still attend. That seemed dishonest and frustrated me a lot.

But what I have come to realize and accept is that people do things for a lot of different reasons, which I will never fully understand because I am not them and I don’t know what they are thinking or what they have experienced. As far as believing members go, I think there is a broad spectrum of level of belief and commitment to the church as well as enjoyment and fulfillment received from being a part of it, and those things all play a role in why people believe in the church or not, or attend church or not.

I could only see the church from my perspective; of feeling trapped in something that I believed to be true but hated because the structure of the church didn’t work for me and my personality. So when I discovered the church wasn’t true I was OVERJOYED! I thought everybody would be just as happy as I was to hear the news, and that was the case for only one person (my sister) who was just as miserable as I was in the church. But there were other people I told who just didn’t care about my issues with the church and I was so perplexed by that. In my mind, these things were imperative to determining whether the church was true, but I came to realize that a lot of members believe that the church is true, they enjoy being a part of it and the information I had was completely irrelevant to them.

It has taken me a while to come to the realization that some people are better off because they are members of the church, and destroying their testimony would be detrimental to them. I think I have been honest enough with the people I am close to that if they had doubts about the church and wanted more information about why I left it they could ask me, but I hope that my friends and family know that I won’t try to get them to leave the church. I respect their right to be a part of the church and don’t think less of them because of it, and I hope they can give me the same courtesy.

As for people who don’t believe in the church anymore but continue to attend and appear to believe; I struggled with this for a long time because it seemed wrong to do that, but again, they have their reasons and it’s not my place to decide what they should do. Some people really enjoy the social environment of the church and would lose their only social connections if they were to leave it. Others may be employed by the church and would lose their jobs if they left it. Then there are family and friends to consider. Some people would lose important relationships if they left the church and those relationships are worth a little pretending. I can totally understand all those reasons, and I know there are a lot more that I haven’t considered.

The bottom line is I have felt a lot of peace lately because I have been able to let go of judgments that I didn’t realize have been weighing me down. I have also gained a greater love and appreciation for all people because I know that most people are doing exactly what I am; they are doing their best to make the right decisions for themselves and their families. I have no right to judge their decisions. That doesn’t mean I won’t continue to be judged, because I think its human nature (or Mormon nature – was that being judgmental? Damn!). And obviously I will have to work on not judging others myself, but I think the world would be a pretty great place if we could all just love and appreciate each other for who we really are and not get hung up on labels and judgments. I applaud those of you who have already figured this out; I can be a little slow sometimes. And I also want to say that I really appreciate the support I have received from the online ex-Mormon community. I can’t believe how awesome you guys are! In the name of the flying spaghetti monster, AMEN! Now let’s go have a beer!

Some thoughts on family

2010-08-30T21:05:00.000-07:00

I haven’t really had a lot to blog about lately, and maybe that’s good. Things have been pretty quiet, except for a visit we had with our bishop, which Jett wrote about here. But that went well and now we’re just waiting for the official letter saying we are out, which I think should be coming soon. I’ll keep you posted on that, of course.

Anyway, this summer has been interesting. My sister (#2) and her family who lived in Italy were staying with my parents for a couple of months before they move to Germany and that was really great. I have mentioned before that she and I have never really been close, but like I said, it’s not that I don’t like her I think it’s just that I’m very socially awkward and just never got close to her. But since we have both discovered that we no longer believe in the church we have had something in common, something to talk about and that has helped us to become closer and keep in touch a bit by e-mail over the last year or so.

So having her here for a couple of months was really nice. We had her and her kids over for dinner one evening (her husband had to go back to Germany already so he wasn’t there). We had a great time. Her six kids, who range in age from 3 to 19 years of age, are awesome! They are all super nice and well behaved and we had such a good time with them. Jett and I had a great time visiting with her about our church gripes and it was so nice, as always, for all of us to talk to someone else who understands where we are coming from.

We had a final family get together a couple of Saturdays ago before my sister and her kids had to leave for their new home in Germany and it was really nice. We all had a good time visiting and I’m really happy about how my family has accepted those of us who no longer believe. It really doesn’t seem like a big deal now.

This past Sunday my nephew (#2’s oldest child, or I could call him 2.1) had his mission farewell. He has been staying at my parent’s house since he graduated from high school while he attended a year of college before his mission. So his farewell was in their ward and there was an open house after the farewell at my parent’s house. Unfortunately, Jett had to go out of town that morning so he was disappointed to miss it, but I was intrigued by the opportunity to attend a sacrament meeting for the first time in over a year and a half.

The meeting started (after the administration of the sacrament, of course) with a youth speaker, a young man, speaking on the power of the priesthood, which was the topic of the meeting. I was amused by how he referred to the priesthood as “awesome” and “there are tons of things you can do with the priesthood”. It made me chuckle.

Then there was a rest hymn which everyone stood to sing. Awkward moment alert! Since we are no longer members (or at least we are close to officially being no longer members) the kids and I didn’t take the sacrament and didn’t sing the hymns. So when everyone stood for the rest hymn I had a dilemma on my hands. Do I stay sitting and not sing and stick out like a sore thumb (which I really hate doing) or do we stand like everyone else and not sing but blend in a little bit? We decided to stand and not sing. I tried to make it look like we just didn’t have a hymn book to sing from; even though we did have one but The Girl was using it behind a notebook she was drawing on. So we just stood and watched people sing. It was awkward but interesting.

After the rest hymn it was my nephew’s turn to speak, also on the power of the priesthood. I was really impressed by his talk. He is a really good public speaker, which probably comes from living in Italy for a few years where there weren’t many people who were willing to speak in their ward so he was called to speak often, even as a youth. He ended his talk saying how grateful he is to be able to serve the people where he will be going and how excited he is to go on his mission. I hope he has a good experience because he really is a great kid who is just doing what he thinks is best.

I don’t know for sure, because I didn’t have a program, but I think he was the only speaker, other than the youth speaker at the beginning. But he finished with like 30 minutes left in the meeting so the bishop (?) got up and said a few words about missionary work, then he asked a couple of guys from the congregation to come bear their testimonies.

The first guy was a returned mission president and former temple president. He told a bunch of stories about his mission and how it was mostly to reactivate converts who had become inactive because they were offended by people not spending time to help them become a part of the branch. I don’t remember where his mission was, but it was somewhere where there were jungles and not a lot of people, so maybe that really was why people stopped going to church there. But I thought it was so funny how he immediately said they became inactive because they were offended. That’s what everyone always thinks, so of course the people listening to him will just reaffirm the stereotype. That frustrates me, but oh well.

Then the other guy came up to speak, I can’t remember who he was but he also spoke about missionaries and what a great experience his mission was. I guess it’s not too hard to tell stories from your mission when you need to kill time. It was mildly entertaining.

The meeting closed and we all went over to my parent’s house. I wasn’t sure how many people were coming over, but I helped my mom get the food ready for a little brunch. There ended up being a lot of people at the brunch, most of them I didn’t know, so after about 20 minutes or so I gave my nephew a hug and told him good luck and we left. I was really uncomfortable around so many people I don’t know, as well as people I do know, like my cousins, that I don’t really know or hang out with at all. Plus, it was The Boy’s birthday yesterday and I had already asked a lot from him by asking him to dress up and go to a sacrament meeting on his birthday. I was pushing my luck by asking him to hang out with a bunch of people he doesn’t know for very long at all.

We had a lovely rest of the Sunday afternoon and I was proud of myself for going to the farewell. It was uncomfortable, but I hope my nephew knows that we did it for him because we care about him.

So I’ve been thinking about family lately and I’m surprised by how much my family really means to me and what I’m willing to do to show them that they do mean a lot to me. I don’t want my leaving the church to hamper our relationships and I’m willing to do my part to be sure it doesn’t. I know I’ve said this before, but it’s interesting to discover how much I value some relationships now that they are possibly threatened. It’s been a good reminder.

Killing ‘em with kindness

2010-08-16T21:39:00.000-07:00

I mentioned here that our neighbors are moving because we have left the church (according to their daughter). Well, their daughters have told The Girl a few times that their mom doesn’t like my pictures on Facebook that show my tattoos. This annoyed me because I only have ONE tattoo and up until a couple of weeks ago, I only had ONE picture on Facebook of me with my tattoo showing. So I decided to unfriend my neighbor on Facebook.

I did this for a few reasons. One, it was probably a passive aggressive way to express my frustration over how I perceive she has been thinking about us now. Also, we have had a couple of neighbors’ unfriend both Jett and I recently due to a discussion Jett had on Facebook over gay marriage and equal rights recently and I think I really just wanted to be the one to do the “unfriending” this time. Also, I knew I was going to put a new picture of myself on Facebook showing my tattoo, and I thought that since she doesn’t like my tattoo this might be a good time unfriend her.

I didn’t really think too much about it after that. I knew they were moving pretty soon and I assumed that once they moved we wouldn’t have any more contact. The Girl wanted to get a goodbye gift for her friend and her little sister so we picked up a gift for them on Saturday and planned to give it to them Sunday (yesterday) since The Girl’s friend had told her that Sunday would be their last day at their house.

I thought that I should also bake a treat to give to them with a little goodbye note (you can take the girl out of the church…). I debated what to write in the note. I actually wrote up something that pretty much told her exactly how I felt and kind of got out all my anger, but I never intended to give it to her. It just felt good to get it off my chest. So in the note I basically said that we are sad they are moving and we will miss them; and I really meant it. Our kids will be losing some great friends.

Jett and I decided it would be a good idea for all of us to go over and say goodbye to them as a family, so that’s what we did. They were outside when we walked over there, and the wife saw us coming and immediately came up to me and hugged me and almost started crying saying how much she will miss us and how nice it was of us to bring treats. Their kids weren’t there because they are moving in with family while their new house is being built and the kids were out of the way at their family’s house. So the husband and wife (and his sister and brother in law who were there to help move) were the only ones there. We chatted a little about how much their daughters are going to miss The Girl and how they want her to visit since they aren’t moving too far away. I was surprised about that because I didn’t think they wanted their kids around our kids, but I said that was fine with me.

We chatted a little more and then my neighbor asked me why I unfriended her on Facebook. I was surprised that she brought that up, but I told her it was because her daughters had mentioned that she didn’t like my Facebook picture that showed my tattoo. I said that I was planning on putting up another picture that shows my tattoo and I didn’t want her to be irritated when she saw it. She said that she had never said that and she doesn’t know why her girls would say that. She apologized over and over and said that sometimes kids hear things and interpret them wrong and she would never say that, etc. She cried and said that she felt so bad that I thought she had said that, and since I am a booby baby I cried too. Honestly, my feelings were hurt by the things her daughter said that she said. She asked why I didn’t ask her if she had said that and I said that I don’t like confrontations. I actually really hate confrontations! I was uncomfortable talking to her about this one issue, and I didn’t even bring up what her daughter had said about why they are moving.

Then she told me that she was impressed that we would still bring them treats and come say goodbye even though we thought she had said those things. I just told her that they have always been good neighbors and I wanted to be sure to say goodbye. So she hugged me like 10 times and said she was sorry like 20 times and I told her it was fine and if she didn’t feel that way then we can still be Facebook friends (since I gave her a chance to back out I won’t feel bad when I put up pictures of my tattoo and not worry that it will irritate her). So after visiting for a while we said goodbye and went home.

When we got home Jett told me that while I was visiting with her, her husband at one point said to Jett that he is sorry that he has been a bad neighbor. Jett said the he was fine, but the husband said he could have been a better neighbor. Then he shook Jett’s hand, said goodbye and left with his sister and her husband. I mentioned before how he never really talked to us, so maybe that’s what he was referring to. I wouldn’t say he was a bad neighbor because he didn’t do anything bad to us. He just seemed very standoffish, but I just assumed that was just the way he was and I didn’t really give it much thought. Apparently he realizes it and feels bad now. I found that very interesting.

So when we got home my mind was reeling. I wasn’t sure if I believed my neighbor when she said she didn’t say those things about my tattoo, but she apologized so I guess it really doesn’t matter. She sent me a friend request on Facebook a little later that night and I accepted. I don’t know how things will be between us now that they aren’t living across the street. I told her to call me anytime they want The Girl to get together with their girls. I guess we’ll see if that ever happens.

I’m just glad that we took the high road. I think it really surprised them and I hope they will have a hard time viewing us as “evil apostates” now; because we really are just a nice, average family. Hopefully it will help them to view other apostates differently from now on too.

So this is what he really thinks?

2010-08-12T12:12:00.000-07:00

I mentioned before that we went on vacation last week. We spent the week in Moab hiking in Arches and a day rafting down the Colorado River. It was a blast!

Moab is such a cute little town. It’s a tourist town so there are a TON of little shops, and one evening after dinner we were walking through the shops and The Girl and I got stuck in a cool shop trying on hats. The boys were bored waiting for us so they went to look at another shop. When we found them later Jett showed me something he had found that he had to buy for me.

These are refrigerator magnets, and he picked these three out just for me. So this is what he really thinks? Well, I’d say he’s pretty damn observant:)

A follow-up to The Letter and a note from a “friend”

2010-08-10T19:16:00.000-07:00

So I mentioned in my last post that we mailed in our resignation letter the week before last. We got confirmation that the letter was received by Confidential Records last Monday, so we were anxious to see if we had received any communication from the church about our letter while we were on vacation last week. We had a neighbor watching our dog and collecting our mail, so when we got home on Saturday we looked through all the mail but didn’t see anything from the church. Then Jett went to get Saturday’s mail from the mailbox and sure enough, there was a letter from the church. I scanned it along with the pamphlet that was included with it.

I’m hoping that our stake president and bishop will expedite the paperwork as we requested in our letter. We haven’t heard from either of them and I think that’s a good sign (I hope). I’ll keep you posted.

Now, on to the note from a “friend”. I think I’ve mentioned that I have received random notes here and there from various women in our ward. They are kind and seem genuine, and I’m glad they are still trying to be friendly. One woman in particular has given me several notes and treats over the last year. We were never really friends; I worked with her a little in my last calling before we stopped going to church and we chatted a little. But we didn’t ever do anything outside of church, so I think it’s interesting that she keeps giving me notes.

She usually brings the notes during the day when I’m at work, but I got her last note a couple of weeks ago when I was working from home. She knocked on the door, and I think she was hoping no one would answer because she didn’t knock very loud. I was in the front room so I heard it and answered the door. She seemed surprised to see me and said hi and handed me an envelope and a bag of candy. I said thanks and she said she just wanted to say hi and see if I’ve been having a good summer. I told her I have and asked how her summer has been. She said she has been having a good summer and has been busy with family reunions and stuff like that. But the funny thing is that the whole time we were talking she was kind of backing down the porch like she was in a hurry or didn’t really want to talk to me at all. So I just thanked her for the note and candy and said goodbye.

When I got inside I opened the envelope and read the card. It was a really cute handmade card, but I was kind of amused when I read what she wrote. I scanned it so you could see how cute it is, but it’s kind of hard to read, so here is what the card said “Dear (TGW), Hope you are having a wonderful summer. Have you gotten tons of mountain biking and picture taking in this year? With August around the corner there is a lot of fun to pack into these next few weeks. I hope I get to hear about all of the things you get done. Love, (ward “friend”)”.

If I hadn’t been home when she brought this note over I may have believed that she meant what she said. But since I answered the door, she had the opportunity to talk to me. She really didn’t act like she wanted to talk at all, or hear about my summer. I’m thinking she was probably just leaving me these notes so she could report back that she was keeping in touch with me. I wonder if I will get any more of these notes from her now that she has stopped by and it’s obvious that we are not friends and she really doesn’t want to talk to me.

Then there is also the matter of our name removal. I wonder if we will see an end to the notes on the door announcing activities days activities for The Girl, or calls from home or visiting teachers wanting to come visit us. This is really one of the reasons I wanted to have our names removed. It feels to me that while our names are on record, the members of our ward feel an obligation to try to bring us back. Once we are off the roles I’m hoping they won’t give us a second thought. Well, except when the lesson on apostates comes up. Then they could use us as a cautionary tale; see what happens when you do too much thinking.

The letter is in the mail!

2010-07-30T12:23:00.000-07:00

I ended my last post saying that I can’t wait for the day that I am no longer a member of any religion. Well, that might have helped Jett realize how badly the kids and I want to have our names removed from the church, because a few days ago he told me that if I want to have our names removed he would be ok with it. So I did a little research to see what information needed to be included in the resignation letter and wrote it up last night. We all signed it and today at lunch Jett mailed it Certified Mail to the Confidential Records department (I called and asked where to mail it and they said either to my bishop or Confidential Records). I know we’re still technically members until they actually receive our letter, but I am so happy to know that we are so close to being out. We leave for vacation tomorrow and I think I will call it the celebracation. Thanks Jett!

Thank god it was just the Jehovah’s Witnesses

2010-07-23T19:30:00.000-07:00

Earlier today I was cleaning the kitchen when I heard the doorbell ring. I assumed it was just a neighbor kid wanting to play with one of my kids, but then The Boy said the door was for me. As I turned the corner to go into the front room I noticed two women at the door and immediately thought it was my new visiting teachers, the ones who had left a message on my phone a couple of weeks ago saying they wanted to stop by and visit me. So you can imagine my relief when I realized these women were not my visiting teachers, but a couple of Jehovah’s Witnesses from Arizona here to answer any questions I may have had about the Bible.

Now let me just say that I HATE door to door salesmen, unless it’s a neighbor kid selling something. I NEVER buy something sold door to door, even if it’s something I actually want. I don’t know why exactly, I guess I feel like a sucker if I fall for their tactics, and I’m also a pretty skeptical person and I just don’t trust most salesmen. But for some reason I was not at all uncomfortable talking to these two Jehovah’s Witnesses. They were very nice, and obviously passionate about what they believed. When I was a believing Mormon I wouldn’t ever even talk to them, I would just tell them I wasn’t interested and that was it.

This time I listened to what they had to say, and when they asked me if I wanted their bible companion guide, which tells you which scriptures you can read to answer a variety of life’s questions, I said that I wasn’t interested. They asked me what religion I belonged to and I told them I don’t belong to any religion (ok, I fudged a little). They asked if I believe in god and I said I’m not really sure; that I’m probably more agnostic. They thought that was interesting and asked something to the effect of whether I was offended by someone. I told them that I just no longer believed in religion and don’t have a need for it. They said that the bible has the answers to questions such, as where we came from, why we’re here and where we will go after we die. I told them that I’m fine not knowing all the answers and I live my life to the fullest now in case this is all there is. I think they were a bit perplexed because I don’t have a need in my life that can be filled by religion.

They thanked me for my honesty and kindness talking to them and left. It was interesting, and nice to not be afraid of people who have beliefs that differ from mine. But I’m still a little worried that my visiting teachers are going to stop by sometime. I’ll have to tell them that I don’t want to be visited, which will be awkward. I keep asking Jett if he is ready to have our names removed yet and he is getting closer. I can’t wait for the day that I’m no longer a member of any religion.

I'm on the outside now

2010-07-16T15:20:00.001-07:00

I have this Oingo Boingo song, On the Outside, in my head because I think that every day as I go to and from work. I work in downtown Salt Lake City, and the bus I take to work drives past a lot of the Mormon landmarks; the conference center, temple square, the church office building and, of course, the lion house (Brigham Young’s house). When I was a believing member, these landmarks were a pleasant sight and somewhat comforting because they represented the religion that I was taught was the truth and the right way.

Now that I no longer believe in the church, seeing these landmarks just serves to remind me daily of the religion that I am not a part of any more, and the many people who do still believe it to be the one true church. You might think you know where I’m going with this, but stay with me here. So anyway, I say to myself almost daily “I’m so glad I’m not Mormon anymore!” (a believing Mormon anyway). So I thought I would compile a list of reasons I’m glad I’m not a TBM anymore, so here it goes.

Reasons I’m glad I’m not a TBM anymore:

NO MORE GARMENTS
Garments are annoying for so many reasons. They are hot, you have to constantly adjust them because they ride up or you have to make sure they aren’t showing. Not to mention that whole church control thing. Since I have stopped wearing garments I am enjoying wearing what I want to without having to worry about whether it’s too short or too low cut. Now I don’t have to wear a shirt to cover my garments under my regular shirt (yes, that’s three shirt type things including garments) because a lot of regular shirts don’t normally cover garments. Now I can just wear one shirt, and actually show some cleavage! It’s nice to not look like a freak by having to dress modestly all the time. And also, underwear is way more comfortable, fun to buy and match to my clothes. Now I can actually feel sexy for more than the five minutes I would wear lingerie before uh…gettin’ busy. So, yeah, not wearing garments is definitely at the top of the list.

THE DAMN WORD OF WISDOM
I’ve talked about this before, but I really like coffee, tea and, well…booze. I didn’t realize until I no longer believed, how stupid and arbitrary the word of wisdom is. Sure, its fine as a suggestion, but to require members to follow it in order to be considered “worthy” is really ridiculous.

SUNDAYS ROCK NOW
When we were TBM I hated Sundays. If we didn’t have a calling that required us to be at church on Sundays, we always had that internal struggle on Sunday morning of whether we would go to church or not. When the alarm would go off I would pretend like I was still asleep hoping that Jett would turn off the alarm and go back to sleep, meaning that we were skipping church. Some weeks he would think the same thing and we would happily sleep in and skip church. Some weeks we would feel guilty for not going and drag the family to church. In the meantime, the kids hated going too but would go if we wanted them to because they didn’t want to disappoint us. Now we can sleep in and do what we want to on Sundays with no guilt. I giggle to myself when I see everyone in the neighborhood leaving to or coming home from church. Yeah, I don’t miss that at all!

NO MORE CALLINGS
There were very few callings that I didn’t hate. I’m not comfortable speaking in front of people so teaching callings were very unpleasant, as well as pretty much anything that required me to interact with people. Yes, I did accept these callings because I believed that I should never turn down a calling, but at times I was miserable trying to fulfill the callings the best I could. Over the years though, I realized that it wasn’t worth making myself sick over a calling so I did turn down a few, like when I was called to be the chorister in sacrament meeting. There are so many reasons why that is NOT a good calling for me, so I said no. After that I realized that I could actually say no, and I think our Bishop realized what I was comfortable with so I was stuck teaching primary or being an activity days leader or something relatively easy like that. But even those callings were frustrating because I was supposed to bear my testimony of this or that and some of those things I didn’t have a testimony of so it felt dishonest saying I did. Callings were never a good experience, just another thing I felt obligated to do.

INDIVIDUALITY
Over the years the church has added more and more rules regarding appearance to the point that it’s not hard to spot a Mormon. I’ve mentioned this before, but I have three earrings in my left ear and one earring in my right ear, and a tattoo which is an awesome way of showing individuality. Along with wearing whatever I want to, I don’t blend in with Mormons like I used to and I’m so glad about that. Since the bus I take to work stops in front of the church office building, I ride the bus with a lot of church employees. They have a very distinct look. The men wear a white shirt and tie and the women wear a dress or skirt. But even beyond their clothing, they just don’t seem very happy and that’s no surprise really. I’m so glad I can be myself, even if it doesn’t coincide with what the church teaches.

LESS GUILT
Let’s be honest here, we women are great at feeling guilty on our own without the assistance of the church. I tried to do my best to be a good wife and mother but fell short as far as the church is concerned; not doing family home evening regularly, family or personal scripture study or family prayer just to mention a few. Then I would feel guilty for not doing my visiting teaching (which I hated), and not doing my callings well enough, not going to enrichment night and any other RS activity. I know many Mormon women have a perfection complex, and the leaders say not to feel bad, that we can’t be perfect and you just need to do your best. But then there are always talks in conference about all the things members should be doing which indirectly send the message that you need to do these things or you are not good enough. It’s taken me a long time to realize that I’m a good person. I do my best to be a good wife and mother and that’s good enough.

FREE THINKING
It’s so nice to be able to think about or research ANYTHING without worrying that I might lose my testimony. The mental conditioning in the church is so strong, but as time goes on I’m able to see that a lot of the views I held while a TBM are not reality or rational. I can decide for myself what I believe and do not believe. I don’t have to be told what to think or feel. It’s really great!

10% RAISE
When you think about it, and this goes back to free thinking, establishing a fixed percentage for charitable donations, then requiring members to contribute that amount of their income in order to be worthy for saving ordinances is bordering on extortion. Because members give so much of their income in tithing most members do not give to any other charities, and I have to say that I understand that. When you’re TBM, you assume that the church will use your donations PRUDENTLY to run the church and take care of the poor and needy. But the church won’t tell you what they’re doing with your hard earned money, and I’m sure if they did members would be furious. Any time that much money is at stake there will always be a level of corruption, and the LDS church is no exception. Now I get to decide where I donate my money, and I’m happy to do it. It’s my choice.

FUTURE OUTLOOK
I was always freaked out by talk of the last days. My mom tried to put a good spin on it by focusing on the 1000 years of peace when Satan will be bound, but I couldn’t get past all the death and destruction prior to that time. That scared the shit out of me and I’m sure that is the intent. But now that I don’t believe in the church, or religion in general, I don’t view disasters as a fulfillment of prophecies. It’s just that shit happens; it’s always been that way and always will. And if I die, I die. You gotta die somehow and now I’m not worrying about the judgment of god.

That’s all I can think of right now. I may add to this list when I think of some more, but if you think of some things that make you glad you are not a (believing) Mormon please list them. There are a lot of positive things to leaving the church, even though it is hard too. Have a good weekend everyone!

Friends and friendship

2010-07-08T09:31:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about friends lately, mainly because of this. I’m kind of a weird person when it comes to friends. I don’t have many, and that is primarily because I’m very guarded and don’t allow many people to get close to me. Growing up I mainly had one good friend who lived across the street from me, and that was really all I needed. We’ll call her Amanda (not her real name). I don’t remember a time when we were not friends; we have pictures of us playing together as babies. Because I was so close to Amanda growing up, I didn’t make friends with other kids in the neighborhood. But when we were nine years old, her parents got a divorce and her mom remarried and moved across town, which seemed so far away at that age. But we kept in touch and took turns spending a week or so at each other’s house when we had breaks from school so we were able to continue to be close.

We have been through a lot together. I now live about 40 miles from where I grew up, and, coincidentally, Amanda and her family live just a few miles away from me. But even though we live close I only see her once every few months. We used to talk on the phone a lot, mainly because she is a very social person and called me a lot. She started working full time a couple of years ago and doesn’t have as much time to talk on the phone, so she doesn’t call me as often as she used to. When I told her that I no longer believe the church is true, she handled it well. She said that we will always be friends and it doesn’t matter to her whether I go to church or not. I was very relieved because her friendship means a lot to me, but since then I have sensed a change in our relationship. She doesn’t talk about church with me like she used to. Maybe it’s because she mostly complained about it before and she doesn’t want to complain to me now. She may be afraid I’ll just tell her to stop going to church or maybe she doesn’t want to give me any more reasons to not believe in the church, I don’t know.

Anyway, I have made more of an effort to be close to her because I think our friendship could be affected by my leaving the church and I don’t want that. She does seem to be coming around, I had her over for dinner a couple of weeks ago and she seemed more open with me than she has been for a while. She did talk about church, but not so much complaining, just telling funny stories about her calling in the nursery. She noticed the liquor bottles we have on the fridge and asked if I drink them all (we have a pretty good variety). I told her that we don’t drink often, but in order to make a variety of drinks you need a variety of liquors. She seemed ok with that. She also noticed my tattoo, but she said she liked it. I had forgotten that I didn’t tell her about it before, but I was happy with her reaction. She said she and her husband would totally get tattoos if they weren’t members of the church. I thought about how sad that is, but I just said it’s cool that they would do that. Anyway, I think my friendship with Amanda is improving and will probably weather the storm of my leaving the church.

Since I have been at the company I work at for over 12 years, I have some close friends there too. A few years ago I was in a job that I did well at, but I hated. I had a couple of friends who did the same job and we were very close. We saw each other every day, and since we sat close to each other we kept up with what was going on in each other’s lives. We went through some challenging work situations together, and because of that we had a very close bond. So a few years ago when I was promoted to the position I’m in now, I felt a great loss at not being as close to them as I used to be. I don’t see them daily anymore, so I don’t keep up on what’s going on in their lives like I used to, and that was hard for me to adjust to. I’ve had to make an effort to go to lunch with them sometimes rather than just eat at my desk like I prefer to do. They are both members of the church, but are very understanding of my issues with the church and it hasn’t affected our friendship. We aren’t as close as we used to be, but we are still friends and I’m glad about that.

So I’m in a situation right now where I feel that if I don’t make an effort to maintain the few friendships I do have they may not last. But since I found out that my neighbors across the street are moving, and it’s likely due in large part to the fact that we don’t go to church anymore, I have started to feel more guarded lately. I wasn’t really good friends with my neighbor across the street, but we were friendly and I enjoyed visiting with her when we saw each other outside. When I first heard they were moving, before I found out the real reason, I thought The Girl and her daughter could still be friends, like Amanda and I did when we were younger. I thought that she and I could possibly be better friends, like she always said she wanted. She acted like my friend, but obviously wasn’t ever really my friend. So I’m feeling very cautious now. I don’t like getting hurt (who does, right?) but I know that in order to be close to people you need to take that chance. I just don’t want to right now. I want to be a booby baby and sulk for a while, but that’s probably not going to help me feel better. I’m not sure what will make me feel better though. Time heals all wounds, right?

Ouch...

2010-06-29T19:48:00.000-07:00

These lyrics are from the song Sweet Talk by The Killers. I thought about this song earlier today.

Let me start from the beginning. As I mentioned before I was having some serious guilt about being a working mom, so I arranged my schedule so I work from home a half a day on Tuesdays and have the rest of the day to have fun with my kids. So today I asked the kids what they wanted to do and The Boy said he just wanted to play his online game, the one he’s been playing the entire summer, and apparently that is the only thing he wants to do. But The Girl immediately wanted to go swimming, so she invited her friend who lives across the street. After I worked my four hours I made sandwiches for me, The Girl and her friend, and we went to the pool. We had a great time and on the way home The Girl asked her friend if they were moving.

Our kids have mentioned to me that our neighbors across the street have talked about moving. Their kids have been friends with our kids for years. Their son is friends with The Boy and their daughter is The Girl’s best friend. So when I heard they were moving I was sad because the kids will be losing some great friends. I asked the kids why their friends are moving and they said that their friends told them it was because they have outgrown their house. I guess I understand that.

So in the car, on the way home from the pool, when The Girl asked her friend if they were really going to move she said that they were. The Girl asked “why, is it because you have outgrown your house?” And her friend said “well, we have been here for a while and my parents think it would be a good idea to live in a neighborhood with new people”. Hmmm…that is odd, but ok. Then her friend says that since we have stopped going to church, got tattoos and dress so we show more skin that her parents don’t want their kids around us. OUCH!

I was a little stunned, but I didn’t want to say anything that would make The Girl’s friend feel bad so I just said “Well, I guess your parents need to do what they feel is best for their family”. Then I changed the subject and tried to keep things light until we got home. But I was really feeling hurt. These neighbors have always been nice to us; at least the mom has, the dad barely looks at us, but he has always been that way and I don’t really give him a second thought. But their mom has always been friendly and even last night, when I went out to take our dog for a walk I bumped into her and she was super friendly. We talked for a bit, and then I left to walk the dog.

So I guess what really bothers me is the fact that my neighbor has always been friendly to us, even since we have stopped going to church. Now I feel like I have no idea how she really feels, or, maybe I do know how she really feels and I kind of feel stabbed in the back. She has never given any indication that she didn’t want her kids around us. Seriously, we’re the worst people their kids could come into contact with? Well maybe, considering this and this they may be. But still, I wonder if they have considered that they could move into a neighborhood where non-Mormons or even *gasp* ex-Mormons live? Maybe they are willing to take that chance because then they would just not allow their kids to be friends with the non-Mormon or ex-Mormon kids to begin with so they won’t be in this situation again? I don’t know.

This is what it’s like to live in Utah and leave the Mormon church. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Things seemed to be going a little too smoothly with our neighbors. But it really does make me sad. They are judging us strictly by Mormon standards and that is a very distorted view. As my ever optimistic mom would say “It’s their loss”.

Click here to listen, and here are the lyrics; they’re cool.

Lift me up on my honor
Take me over this spell
Get this weight off my shoulder
I've carried it well
Loose these shackles of pressure
Shake me out of these chains
Lead me not to temptation

Hold my hand harder
Ease my mind
Roll down the smoke-screen
Open the sky

Let me fly
Man I need a release from this troublesome mind
Fix my feet when they're stumblin'
And well you know it hurts sometimes
You know it's gonna bleed sometimes

Dig me out from this thorn tree
Help me bury my shame
Keep my eyes from the fire
They can't handle the flame
Race cried out for my brothers
But most of them failed
I carried it well

Let me fly
Man I need a release from this troublesome mind
Fix my feet when they're stumblin'
I guess you know it hurts sometimes
You know it's gonna bleed sometimes
Now hold on

I'm not lookin' for sweet talk
I'm lookin' for time
Time for towerin' sweet folk
Brother 'cause it hurts sometimes
You know it's gonna bleed sometimes
Hold on

You know it's gonna hurt sometimes
When you call on me, hold on

Hold on
Hold on

I'm gonna fly my symphony home and make it mine
Let its regiments find my way
See all these pessimists
These sufferists
Tend to drag me down
So I could use it to shelter what good I've found

We must be doing something right

2010-06-25T14:53:00.000-07:00

While I am working I enjoy listening to various podcasts. Yesterday I listened to this one and thought it was very interesting. The host of this radio show (Doug Fabrizio) interviewed Michael Sandel who is a professor at Harvard University and teaches a class called Justice that is based around the question “What’s the right thing to do?” Obviously the “right thing” is subjective. It has a lot to do with the environment in which you were raised and what you were taught.

Some interesting scenarios were posed to students requiring them to think about what would be the right thing to do? And I was thinking about how religion is really not necessary in determining the right thing to do. I think, for the most part, people are good. Their instincts are to help people when the situation arises, or to do what will cause the least amount of harm to the least number of people. However, now that we are not religious I was curious what my kids would say about these scenarios. I also wanted to give them a quick lesson on doing the right thing apart from the Mormon ideas of “right”.

So last night we were making cupcakes, because that’s what you do after watching Cupcake Wars, right? And, as usual, this was an excellent opportunity to talk to the kids because we were just hanging out in the kitchen so I told them about this podcast. They were very interested in the subject and we had an awesome discussion. I reiterated to them that it’s not right to ever hurt someone or do something that will cause pain or sadness to someone, and they agreed.

A little later, when The Girl had left the room, I asked The Boy what was going on with him earlier in the year when he was grumpy and obviously bothered by something that he wouldn’t talk about at the time. I thought it was related to a girlfriend he had, but he said it was mostly because he was getting picked on at school, and he hates school. I know he has had a problem with bullies, he is a very nice and passive kid and other kids take that as an opportunity to pick on him because they know he won’t fight back. I have spoken to his school counselor about one boy in particular who bullied him and that situation improved, but when you have a whole school full of teenage boys there are a lot of kids who are just rude and annoying, and this was really bothering The Boy. I have told him before that when kids hit him he should just hit them back and he said the he didn’t want to because he was afraid he would get into trouble for fighting. I told him that if he got into trouble for defending himself I would be in the Principals office defending him and I would not allow him to be punished for it.

So as we were talking last night he told me about a time at the end of the school year, when a kid walked up to him in the lunchroom and punched him in the shoulder, so he punched the kid back. Of course, the other kid punches him back harder so The Boy punched him harder. This went back and forth for a bit, and then finally The Boy said to the kid “this is stupid” and walked away. And as he was telling me that story he said “I can’t do something to someone that I wouldn’t want them to do to me”. That’s why he can’t fight back. He doesn’t like to get hit, so he won’t hit back. Right then my heart almost burst with love for this child. What can you say to that? He is right; but that means school is going to be rough for a while. I told him that if he can just stick it out, things will get better.

Yep, being a parent is hard, but so very rewarding.

And the working mother guilt rears its ugly head yet again

2010-06-21T23:32:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Father’s Day, and it was quite pleasant. I made a super yummy brunch, we all chilled for a bit then we got ready and went to see Karate Kid. It was a good movie, I really liked it and so did Jett and the kids. When we got home I started making a super yummy dinner (cooking is my gift to Jett) and Jett gathered the kids at the kitchen table so they could talk to his dad on speaker phone to wish him a happy Father’s Day. Since I’m not included in these conversations anymore (I think his parents really don’t like me anymore and never want to talk to me, just Jett and the kids), I was just fixing dinner and quietly listening. They all wished Jett’s dad Happy Father’s day and then Jett’s parents wanted to talk to the kids about what they’ve been doing this summer. His dad asked the kids if they’ve been swimming or anything fun like that since the weather’s been so nice. The Boy, being honest, said “no, we don’t have a way to get there” And there it was; the dagger in my heart.

Yes, I’m a working mom. And I can’t say it’s entirely out of necessity because I don’t know how much of my motivation to work is driven by the need to help support our family, and how much of it is to satisfy my need to accomplish more than can be accomplished at home. Don’t get me wrong, I adore my kids. I have never worked to get away from them or my responsibilities at home. If anything, working has caused me to cherish the time I have with my kids. However, having been raised in a home where my mother did not work outside of the home, I have always felt that I wasn’t living up to the expectation of what a wife and mother should be because I have to divide my time between a job and family. The church has definitely contributed to this feeling as well. So my whole motherhood I’ve always felt defensive and guilty about the fact that I work full time.

After The Boy said that, Jett’s parents just moved on with the conversation, possibly realizing they had brought up a sticky topic, but maybe not. Maybe I was the only one who was affected by it, but it bothered me the rest of the night. So when I got home from work today I told the kids that I’m sorry that I work and if there are things they want to do this summer we can try to figure out a way to do them. I can take time off work or work from home in order to do things the kids want to do. The Girl immediately said “I want to go swimming”. I asked her where she wanted to go and they both told me that our ward is having a ward party at a nearby pool this Friday night. They found this out from my sister in law (my brother and his wife live on our street), and after telling them about the party she immediately offered to give them a ride over there if they wanted to go. Assuming, I guess, that Jett and I would not want to go. And, well, she’s right.

I have several reasons for not wanting to go:

The obvious one, we haven’t been to church in over a year and a half. This would be the first ward activity we have been to since we stopped going and that is extremely awkward.
Jett is out of town so I will have to take the kids by myself (which means I won’t be able to sneak booze in to help me handle the awkward because I will have to drive).
Swimsuit – enough said.
It feels wrong to go to an activity that is paid for by our ward while not going to church or contributing in any way to the ward. Although, I’m sure everyone would be happy to see us hoping they can fellowship us and bring us back, we have told our bishop that we no longer believe the church is true. But, we’ll come to your activities??? That just doesn’t seem right to me.

And then there is the reason to go:

My kids want to go, and want me to take them.

So I guess all my other reasons are irrelevant. I’ll take them. Because I love them, and because that damn working mother guilt is a bitch!

Purging

2010-06-16T22:50:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago we got new flooring in our house. This is something that has needed to be done for a while (like years) but it’s pricey and, quite honestly, the thought of removing everything from our house was so overwhelming to me that I kept putting it off. But now that Jett is done with school he is more available to help with a big project like this, so we did it.

We cleaned out a bunch of clutter and that felt great. But I didn’t realize how much church stuff we have accumulated over the years. We had lesson manuals, church books (mostly received as gifts over the years), old garments that we saved for some reason and our temple clothes. The lesson manuals and garments we just threw away. The church books and temple clothes we donated to the Deseret Industries (DI). I was tempted to throw them away too but I thought about some poor sucker having to buy these things at full price and I thought maybe this would give them a break. I’m not sure if the DI sells used temple clothes, or what they will do with ours, but I was glad to get rid of them!

We came across a bunch of the yellow tithing slip receipts. I couldn’t believe how much money we have paid to the church over the years; it’s almost sickening. There were also miscellaneous items, like a refrigerator magnet with the temple on it which I am so used to seeing that I didn’t even really notice until then, but it went in the garbage too. It felt so good to get rid of all the unnecessary crap we have been holding on to. Our house is ours now, not what we thought it “should” be and it feels great. Good riddance!

Corrupting the neighbor kids

2010-06-15T11:20:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I mentioned how much I love coffee in this post, but I have also started to really appreciate tea as well. I enjoy a nice cup of earl grey tea in the afternoon and chai tea is fantastic! But I recently bought some tea bags that make a gallon of iced tea per bag (they are large tea bags) and it is so yummy! It’s very refreshing and I enjoy sipping it in the evening while I’m winding down after work.

The boy loves this tea also (the girl thinks it’s disgusting, oh well) and has been drinking a lot of it since he’s been out of school, so last night I brewed up another batch. It’s a tropical passion fruit flavor and makes the house smell so good, so when the boy and his friend came in from playing outside they asked what smelled so good. I told them I had brewed up a batch of iced tea and his friend said “Ewe yuck”. So the boy said “It’s really good, you should try it” and poured his friend a little glass of it. His friend tried it and thought it was really good and they went back outside to play.

After the boys left it occurred to me that his friend just broke the word of wisdom…at my house. Crap! I feel bad that I’m now the “bad” neighbor who is corrupting the neighborhood kids. Yes, it could be worse; at least I’m not giving them shots of tequila! But still, rules are rules even if they are stupid. So I’m wondering what responsibility I have here. Should I not allow Mormon kids to partake of things that are against their religion at my house, even though, really, it’s better for them than the soda they drink like crazy?

Dream a little dream of death

2010-06-07T22:35:00.001-07:00

I had an odd dream yesterday morning that left me a little sad and shaken. I’m not sure exactly what it meant, but it was interesting and made me think.

At the beginning of the dream I was driving with my dog. Then I ended up at a church building somewhere far away and it was very different from the church buildings I was used to. It was very big and had little rooms in it like hotel rooms. My two sisters were there, #2 and #5 (who also no longer believe in the church), and we were walking through the church building. They wanted to go sit in on a sacrament meeting but I didn’t want to so I just watched from the doorway. They sat for a few minutes but got bored so we decided to go outside and walk along a river that was right outside the church building.

The river was running very fast and it was a little scary because it had alligators and other wild animals in it, but if we stayed on the bank we seemed to be safe. There was a little café type area at the back of the church and we stopped and had something to eat. Then we walked back around the church building and my parents were there telling us we needed to come quick because my sister’s (#2) husband was sick. They told us he was playing golf and started acting weird so he was taken to a doctor who said he had an aneurism. We went to his hotel room and doctors were performing surgery on him. My sister got in the shower for some reason, and while she was in the shower her husband died.

Just a little back story on #2 in real life; she has been married before and her first husband died. She thinks that he actually committed suicide, but there wasn’t a note or anything to prove it was suicide. However, she was suspicious because she suspected that he suffered from depression, but he refused to get diagnosed or seek treatment for it, and during one of his episodes he drove his jeep off a cliff in an area with which he was very familiar.

They had three children at the time, ages six, eight and 12. It was very difficult for her at first, but she soon realized that her life was so much more pleasant not having to walk on eggshells afraid to upset her husband. She did fine on her own, but a while later she met a man she connected with on a level she couldn’t have even imagined in her first marriage, and they soon got engaged. Her fiancé was a convert to the church of just a year or so, and he was very committed to the church. But since my sister had been sealed to her first husband in the temple she couldn’t be sealed to him, because in the Mormon church a man can be sealed to more than one woman but a woman can only be sealed to one man. This rule may have changed since then, but at the time she couldn’t undo the sealing to her late husband because he was dead.

This was very sad for my sister who had found someone whom she loved so much, and she was afraid that after they died they would not be together. They chose to be married in the temple for time only, and I was in attendance for the ceremony (incidentally, this was the last time I was ever in the temple). The guy who performed the ceremony said a few words first, which is common, and he basically chastised my sister’s fiancé for wasting his time with this woman who couldn’t take him to the celestial kingdom. My sister and her (now) husband tried to have a good attitude about it, but that always rubbed me the wrong way. What was he supposed to do? Not marry this woman he was crazy about because she had already been sealed to someone else?

Anyway, they have been married for awhile now; they have three children together and my sister’s three children from her first marriage adore him. He is a wonderful father and husband. So I guess this is why, when he died in my dream I was so sad. I have been so pleased that my sister finally has the chance to be happy, and now she had to deal with another husband dying.

Back to the dream. After my sister got out of the shower my mom very gently told her that her husband had died and then held her as she sobbed. I came over and hugged her and I cried with her. My mom said to us that we wouldn’t be so sad if we believed in the church because then we have the comfort of knowing that we would be together after we die and we would know that this wouldn’t be the last time we would see my sister’s husband (the fact that they weren’t sealed wasn’t brought up in my dream). I woke up shortly after that but I was very sad and frustrated. Yes, I can see how believing in the church makes death easier to handle, but that doesn’t make the church true. Luckily this was just a dream and my sister and her husband are great. But it makes me wonder how we will feel when a loved one dies? It will be interesting.

My happy list

2010-05-29T19:22:00.000-07:00

C.L. Hanson of Letters from a broad tagged me to do a list 10 things that make me happy and tag 10 people to do the same. This is good. I need to think more about things that make me happy and less about things that make me miserable:)

#1 – My family. This is kind of a given, but it’s true. They are the most important people to me! I’m going to list my favorite things about each of them because they are so awesome!

Jett – I fell in love with his big brown eyes on our 2nd date and have loved them ever since. He is very sensitive and sentimental and gets choked up when thinking about me or the children and I love that. He is also very genuine; you know exactly how he is feeling at all times. This used to make me crazy when we were first married because my large family stressed him out so he got a little grumpy and I couldn’t figure out why he couldn’t just pretend they didn’t bother him like I did. He just doesn’t do that, and I have grown to really appreciate knowing that what you see is what you get with him.

The Boy – The Boy also has Jett’s big brown eyes and he is so adorable! Because he is 13 he won’t admit it, but girls tell him how cute he is all the time. He must know it?!? Anyway, and more importantly, he is also very sensitive and kind. He is very respectful to women/girls and because of that most of his friends are girls. One thing he does that I adore, is EVERY day at dinner, whether I have cooked or just picked something up he always says “thank you mom”. How awesome is that?

The Girl – She looks just like me when I was her age; it’s so fun to see. But personality wise she is very different than me. She can be shy sometimes, but mostly she is very outgoing and silly. She is a lot of fun. She can talk your ear off; you always know what’s going on with her and I really appreciate that because I practically have to pry information out of The Boy with a crowbar. She likes girly things, but is also tough and enjoys sporty things too. She is her own person and has her own unique style and doesn’t care what other people think of her. I really admire that about her.

#2 – Nature makes me happy. When I can get outside and go for a walk or a bike ride I feel rejuvenated. I LOVE the mountains! Hiking or biking in the mountains is where I feel the most peace and joy. It’s a magical experience for me that’s hard to describe, but it’s like I’ve been holding my breath without realizing it and when I get up in the mountains I can finally breathe and everything’s right with the world. It’s not the same in the winter, unfortunately; summer time is the best, when it’s warm and sunny. In the winter I just hang on for dear life and hope I can make it until spring.

#3 – This goes along with #2, but I love to mountain bike. Combine my love for nature and the mountains and my love for physically challenging activities and mountain biking is the answer. I have always loved to ride my bike. When I was in high school I would go on long bike rides around my neighborhood, and I loved feeling my pumped quads when I got back from my rides. When I was pregnant with The Boy Jett and I got mountain bikes, with every intention of riding them after the baby was born. But of course, we only rode them once or twice after that because we got busy with work and having a new baby so they sat in the garage for years. Then one year, after The Girl was old enough that we didn’t feel too guilty leaving the kids with a baby sitter, we decided to take our bikes out and ride on a trail. I loved it immediately, and the trail we took wasn’t even that great of a trail. So we started biking in the mountains more often and soon realized we needed new bikes. Our bikes were old and not very comfortable to ride, so we sucked it up and spent a good chunk of change on some AWESOME mountain bikes. I’m usually a cheap skate, but I have not regretted spending the money on those bikes. We have had them for six years now, have put many miles on them and ridden them over some crazy trails and they still work great. They have provided countless hours of awesome happy mountain bike times. When Jett and I get done with a particularly awesome ride we will drive home with perma-grins because we just love it. There’s nothing I have done that can compare to the exhilaration of mountain biking.

#4 – I really love to sleep, and I’m really good at it. I can sleep anywhere, anytime. I know it irritates Jett, because I fall asleep while we are watching a movie, or I take an afternoon nap on Sundays. But sleep just makes me so happy. The worst time of my day is when my alarm goes off and I have to get up to go to work. I am one of those people who require more sleep. That’s just the way it is. Give me my sleep and no one gets hurt.

#5 – I am an animal lover. I have had a variety of pets growing up, and I just love animals, all animals. I’m not a cat or dog person, I love them all. We have an adorable boston terrier named Chloe and a crazy cat named Pixie. Chloe is four years old and she is pure love in dog form. She loves attention and snuggles; you can’t love her too much. And she gives love back freely with kisses or licking your feet or legs. She is always happy to see you when you come home and is so happy when she gets to go somewhere in the car with us. She is just the perfect dog for our family and I love her so much! Our cat Pixie is just a year old and she is playful and crazy, but she really loves The Girl and will do anything she tells her to do. It’s so cute. Pixie also loves Chloe and Chloe loves her. It’s hilarious to watch them play. They are best friends and it’s adorable. I think having pets has been really good for our kids. They have a love for animals too and are very kind and gentle with them.

#6 – I love food; eating, cooking, watching cooking shows, and reading cook books. I enjoy making up my own recipes. We call them my “creations”, and sometimes they come out great and sometimes not so much. I think they turn out good more often than not though. When I’m making dinner the kids like to sit at the counter and we talk about their day. I have to take any opportunity I can to communicate with The Boy, and this is one of those times that he enjoys talking. I also am teaching them to cook. I think it’s important for both of them to know how to cook and eat healthy. Jett’s mom doesn’t really cook so he really appreciates my cooking and that makes it nice too.

#7 – I like to be creative. I think most women have a need to be creative, and there are many different ways to do this. Some of the things I do are: photography, jewelry making, making beads out of clay, scrapbooking, card making, and making lanyards. I just started making lanyards a few months ago, because my work made us all start wearing our badges on a lanyard around our necks a while back. I made some bead lanyards but they are really heavy and not very comfortable. I had some cute ribbon I bought without knowing what I would do with it and I got the idea to make lanyards out of the ribbon. They’re very light and comfortable and very durable. I have been selling them at work and the women have loved buying lanyards to match their outfit. It’s a fun way for me to be crafty and it’s a hobby that pays for itself. You can’t beat that!

#8 – I love to learn. I don’t have a college education, but I have worked my way to the great job I have now mostly because of my desire to learn and do well at my job. I’m not afraid to try new things and just figure it out. I will get my college degree eventually, because it’s something that is important to me. But until then I’ll learn what I need to know on my own. This is why I also love the internet. How cool is it that you can find information on anything at the click of a button? I love that!

#9 – This kind of goes along with #4, but I love pajamas. When I get home from work I usually change into pajamas as quickly as possible. Then I can relax and enjoy the evening in comfort. I’m not a girly dressy uppy girl (I also make up words sometimes). I just like to be comfortable. I do try to avoid going places in my jammies, so if the kids need to go anywhere they better tell me quick before I am changed and comfy. Jammies are the best!

#10 – I really like music. I have always liked music and, as I have mentioned before, this is an interest that Jett and I share and I like that. Music can transform my mood and makes even the most unpleasant task more enjoyable. My daily bus rides to and from work are made bearable because I can listen to my music and I don’t have to listen to people talking. I enjoy going to concerts and have a lot of great memories from the many concerts I’ve attended over the years. I couldn’t live without music.

And that’s it for me. It’s been fun to think about what makes me happy.

I’m not going to tag anyone to do this because I don’t think I get very many readers, but if you are reading this and you want to make your own list please do, and let me know so I can read it.

Metamorphosis

2010-05-21T13:22:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago I got a tattoo! Jett got one too and blogged about them last week right after we got them. But I wanted to give it a little time to absorb it all before I blogged about it, so here it goes. We have thought about getting tattoos for a while, maybe six months or so. Before that, many years before that, Jett had mentioned getting a tattoo off and on and I kind of tried to discourage him from doing it because I knew the position the church takes on tattoos and I didn’t want him to go against the church. Yes, I do want to go back in time and slap myself for being so blind and stupid, but what do you do? Anyway, I never even had the desire to get a tattoo. The people I saw who had tattoos were a little scary and I didn’t want to be viewed like that. Plus, I prefer to blend in and not do anything to draw attention to myself.

But as we have journeyed away from the church, I have changed. A lot! And getting a tattoo became more appealing. Since I am not the type of person who does things on a whim I thought about the positive and negative repercussions of getting a tattoo. I verified with my employer that my tattoo would be ok, and thought about what I wanted to get. I wanted something that was meaningful, and I think a butterfly holds a lot of symbolism. I feel like a butterfly; like I wasn’t really living my own life before, but now I have emerged from a cocoon and am nothing like my former self. I’m still trying to figure out how to fly, but I have a whole new view on everything and a new world to explore that wasn’t available to me previously. This is what my tattoo means to me.

It was funny because the guy doing my tattoo said I was brave for getting my first tattoo on my wrist where everyone will be able to see it. I had definitely considered that before I settled on the location. I could have easily gotten one on my shoulder or back, but I wanted to be able to see it myself, and I decided that I wanted it visible to others too because I’m really tired of looking like a Mormon. I mean, I try to show as much cleavage as I can when I go to the liquor store so I don’t look like I’m on my way home from Enrichment Night, but 30 + years of being taught that women should be modest, has made it difficult to embrace a new style right away. I’m getting there slowly, though. It’s been over a year since I ditched my garments, and I’m sure that if I dropped a few pounds (like 30 or 50 or so) I would be more willing to show more skin. But it’s also such a huge shift in thinking that it takes time. So I think getting a visible tattoo is helping me to show the world that I am able to think for myself and that I’m not a boring Mormon (because I do know quite a few Mormon’s who have tattoo’s and they are the fun Mormons).

I was curious to see how I would act now, because having a tattoo is a visible sign of rebellion against the teachings of the prophet. I wondered if I would try to cover it up or be embarrassed by it, but I’m surprised by how excited I am to show people my tattoo. I love it and I want to show people. I like that people can see it when I’m at the store or on the bus.

The reactions to my tattoo have been a little surprising also. Almost everyone I have shown my tattoo to so far really likes it, and I have shown a lot of people from work (who are mostly Mormon). The first question I usually get is “is it real?”, which is funny to me. Maybe it doesn’t look real because the colors are so bright. I also think it’s because, as one co-worker put it “You don’t seem like a tattoo type of person to me”. I just smiled and said “That’s why I got it”.

The next question I get is “Did it hurt?”. In fact, one co-worker I showed almost passed out just thinking of getting a tattoo. Apparently she has a fear of needles so the thought of getting a tattoo FREAKED HER OUT. I just chuckled, because I was never worried about the needles or the pain aspect. I was more concerned with being certain of my decision because a tattoo is permanent and I didn’t want to regret it down the road. But she just kept saying how brave I was and I just laughed because the pain of getting a tattoo was really not that bad, at least it wasn’t for me.

I showed another co-worker who told me she has a couple of tattoos, but you can’t see them. I didn’t want to pry and ask where they were, and she didn’t say. But after showing her mine she said she wants another one now. I think there are probably a few people who now want a tattoo after seeing mine.

One co-worker in my department seemed pretty shocked when she saw it and just kind of walked away. I was afraid she would be all weird with me now, but she hasn’t been. She just hasn’t mentioned the tattoo either, and that’s ok. I don’t expect everyone to like it.

I have a family party tomorrow afternoon and this will be the real test. How will my parents and my church going siblings react to my tattoo? I debated sending my parents an e-mail or text just giving them a heads up that I got a tattoo, but I don’t know if that would be better or not so I guess I’ll just go there and let everyone see it and hope for the best. I’m hoping that, once you drop the “I don’t believe in the church” bomb on them, a tattoo won’t faze them, but we’ll see. I’ll let you know how it goes.

It’s been a very interesting couple of weeks since I got my tattoo. I’m surprised at my reaction and the reaction of the people around me; surprised in a good way. If you had told me five years ago that I would have done all the things I have done in the last year I would never have believed you. But that’s the old me. The new me is a lot braver than the old me. I have to practice being brave, but it seems to get easier over time. I can’t wait to see what I’m like in 10 years!

A little piece of peace

2010-05-20T22:15:00.000-07:00

This is a Buddha statue Jett ordered a couple of weeks ago to put on our front porch. Jett has been out of town since last week, but it was delivered the other day so, of course, we opened it. Even though Jett hasn’t seen it yet I couldn’t resist taking a picture of it because it looks so cool; I really like it. Now we need to get a smaller one to put in our house. I think this Buddha statue invites peace and tranquility, and heaven knows we can use a little more of that in our lives (Koda, maybe you should borrow it for a while).(:

Here Comes the Sun

2010-05-19T11:09:00.000-07:00

This song is Here Comes the Sun by the Beatles, and it describes how I’m feeling very well. The weather has been back and forth here in Utah. One minute it’s raining and the next minute it’s warm and sunny. But the nice thing about that is it’s not raining for days on end and I see the sun enough to keep me happy. For example; yesterday was cool and rainy and it stormed really bad during the night, but I woke up this morning to a beautiful day. The sun was shining and as I drove to work I noticed how colorful all the plants are and how crisp and clean everything was after a big storm. Even though I haven’t spent a lot of time outside, my mood in general has been a lot lighter since spring. I really don’t know why I live in Utah except for the mountains and all the beautiful scenery. Damn you Utah, I wish I knew how to quit you!!!!

Click here to listen.

It's all my mom's fault

2010-05-18T21:16:00.000-07:00

Believe it or not, the one thing I love, that was forbidden when I was a believing Mormon, is coffee! I almost always have a cup of coffee in the morning; it’s such a nice way to start my day. We have an awesome coffee maker at home that makes delicious coffee, but when I’m too lazy to clean it and get it ready for the next day I have instant coffee that I keep at my desk, which is almost as good.

I was at the grocery store with the kids the other day and they wanted to get a Starbucks Mocha Frappuccino, so I got a four pack so we could all have one. I don’t usually get these because they have a lot of calories, but occasionally I indulge. Today I brought my Frappuccino to work in my lunch bag and put it in the fridge so it would be nice and cold for when I get sleepy in the afternoon. After lunch, I snuck it to my desk and poured it into a separate cup so no one would notice I was drinking COFFEE! Gasp! I work with a lot of Mormons, and I’m not quite ready to expose my apostasy to them all just yet, so these are the measures I resort to. It’s pretty ridiculous, but whaddya do?

But as I drank that oh so yummy frappuccino, the taste reminded me of another beloved drink from my childhood, and I realized why I love coffee so much. It’s because my mom used to buy Postum and we would drink it on cold winter mornings. Postum or Pero are similar in flavor to coffee but not specifically banned in the Word of Wisdom, so my mom used to drink this as an alternative to coffee. And in all fairness, it’s not really her fault either because her parents were coffee drinkers, so she grew up around coffee, and may have drunk it when she was younger (she doesn’t talk about that much). My grandparents were not super strong in the church, and I don’t think the Word of Wisdom was as strictly enforced back then, either. My grandpa died when my mom was 12, and my grandma went through the temple later which meant no more coffee, so I’m sure that’s how my mom became familiar with Postum.

And all that makes me think about how silly the specific restrictions in the Word of Wisdom are. You can drink HERBAL tea but not actual tea from tea leaves (which has many, many health benefits, btw), you can drink Postum or Pero (or Coke, Pepsi, etc.) but you can’t drink actual coffee. And what about the part of the Word of Wisdom that talks about eating meat sparingly and all the other stuff that’s in there? It was intended as a guide for healthy living, a suggestion. Some of it was good advice and some not so much. All things in moderation, that makes sense. But now parts of it are enforced strictly, and other parts are completely ignored. It’s really just so ridiculous when you think about it. The members of the church spend so much time worrying about stupid little things like not drinking coffee or tea, when the caffeinated soda they use as a replacement is way worse for them. I understand that soda wasn’t around when Joseph smith was alive, but we have a living prophet who receives revelation, right? Surely he could update the Word of Wisdom adjusting it to include things that exist now that are unhealthy, and take off things that we know are not unhealthy, such as coffee or tea.

This is just another example of why the church is not what it claims to be. I’m so glad I don’t believe anymore, because I really do love a good cup of coffee!

The reason Mormon parents may not let their kids play with our kids anymore

2010-05-13T15:20:00.000-07:00

This is a conversation The Girl had with a good friend of hers who lives in our Ward the other day.

Friend: “Are you ever going to come back to church?”

The Girl: “No. We’re going to have our names removed eventually.”

Friend (in a disappointed and sad voice): “Awwwe, that’s too bad.” Then after a short pause “Lucky! I hate going to church!”

The things we do for family

2010-05-10T14:13:00.000-07:00

I had been dreading last Saturday for some time now; over a year in fact. I have a niece and nephew who turned eight last month. So, of course, I knew we were going to be faced with the decision of attending their baptisms or not.

We could just skip the baptisms (they combined both so the family wouldn’t have to come to two different baptisms on the same day). I’m sure it wouldn’t surprise my family, because they know where we stand as far as the church is concerned. But I really wanted to support my sister and brother. I care about them very much and it felt to me that I needed to be there even if it made me uncomfortable.

I know my immediate family would not expect Jett to stand in the circle for the confirmation, but the extended family, who does not know about our church status, would probably wonder why he wasn’t participating. It’s always uncomfortable when a priesthood holder doesn’t go up to the circle. I shouldn’t care what they think, but I really, really hate judgments, especially when the assumptions that could be made are probably a lot worse than the real situation. I don’t want people thinking Jett has done something bad and that’s why he isn’t worthy to participate in the confirmation. But, I really don’t have control of what people think, and I really want to worry less about stupid things like that.

So, we decided we would go, but I gave the kids the option of going or not. The Boy wanted to stay home, but The Girl wanted to go. We were dressed up and looked like church going people, because I didn’t want to attract any additional attention. When we got there I noticed my parents sitting alone on a bench so we went and sat by them. They were happy to see us and the meeting started shortly after we arrived. We sang a song, one of the usual baptism songs, and I sang along because I have the words memorized and I like to sing the church songs. Correction, I USED to like to sing the songs. Now the words have a different meaning to me, and singing them seems wrong, so I just sat and listened to the music for the rest of the time.

I found the talks very interesting as well. They are geared toward the eight year old children who are getting baptized, but I’m amazed at how manipulative they are. Everyone congratulates them on their “decision” to be baptized and as I look at their sweet, innocent faces I’m struck by how ridiculous this is. What eight year old child who has been raised in the church chooses NOT to be baptized? Why on earth would they do that? These kids are the superstars of the day, and they love it. I doubt they have any idea what they are really doing, besides making everyone happy.

We went into another room to watch the baptisms. The Girl went up to the front so she could sit on the floor and watch with all the other kids. We sat on chairs, watching the baptisms from a mirror angled so everyone in the room could see. They were pretty quick and we all filed back to the chapel to sing songs and wait for the children and their fathers to change from their wet baptism clothes to their Sunday clothes. Again, the music grated on my nerves, but I sat and tried to hide my irritation by planting a pleasant look on my face. It really helped that Jett and The Girl were there. I could look at them and smile or give them a wink and I knew I wasn’t alone in my discomfort. Misery really does love company.

All the kids and fathers return from changing clothes and the confirmations began. My niece went first and I was relieved that no one signaled to Jett to come and stand in the circle. All the expected men stood in the circle and the confirmation was completed. Then my nephew came up for his confirmation. Some of the men are friends or family of both children so they stayed up front. My sister in law is the only girl of six kids and all but one of her brothers’ was in attendance. I know one of her brothers doesn’t go to church, so I knew he wouldn’t be in the circle, but I was surprised that only one of the four brothers who were there stood in the circle for my nephew’s confirmation. What made it a little awkward was while the men were coming up for the confirmation my brother was signaling to my sister in law’s older brother to also come up and stand in the circle. I didn’t see his response to my brother’s invitation, but clearly he declined, and the confirmation was completed. This is another reason I’m glad we had already told our family our feelings on the church.

Afterward we all went over to my sister’s house for a potluck dinner, and it was nice to visit with family we don’t see often. No one asked about church or why Jett didn’t stand in the circle for the confirmations. It really just seemed like a group of people happy to get together and share an important event. And I realized that although I don’t believe in the church anymore, I can support my family when these events that are important to them occur. I think that’s what family is for, and I’m glad I went.

Til Kingdom Comes

2010-05-07T08:25:00.000-07:00

This song is Til Kingdom Comes by Cold Play. Jett asked me a question yesterday morning and it made me think. He asked me if I’m writing differently on my blog now that I know he is reading it, and also if my blog still satisfies the need I originally started it for.

I have thought about that recently, because I think the answer to the first question is, yes, I am writing a little differently because I know he will be reading it. And because of that, it no longer satisfies the need I originally started it for. In fact, when I first started this blog I (naively) thought no one would read it so I felt freer to just write what I was feeling. I do also feel like I have addressed a lot of things in my past that have bothered me, for the most part, so now I’m just blogging about current things that are on my mind.

But, there are still things that come up that I don’t mention here, and I think that’s because there is still a line I draw of things that don’t leave my head. I’m sure that may surprise some of you considering things I have written about here, but it’s true. So I have thought that maybe journaling would be a good way to put in writing things I am thinking but I don’t want the whole world to know about.

I know that a lot of people journal regularly, and it’s very much encouraged by Mormons. But when I was younger I tried to write things down but I would usually get too embarrassed and afraid someone would read it that I ended up ripping the page out of my journal and throwing it away. So I only have about 3 journal entries that survived my scrutiny, and I’m not sure if I even remember where I put that journal.

But then, even if I did write it down, I’m not sure if it would be something I would let Jett read or not. I know he wants to read it, and he of all people should be able to read it. I just worry that I’ll have the same problem journaling that I have with my blog; that if I know he will read it I won’t write what I’m really feeling. Maybe I’ll just try writing it down, and when I’m comfortable I’ll share with him. Or, he could just get me drunk and make me talk. I get really chatty when I’ve been drinking.

Ok, so what I think I might do is make a few changes to my blog. I will still post music type entries as they come up, but I’ll also post just regular stuff I’m thinking. If I don’t have lyrics I may just doodle a little on a sticky note. I don’t draw well, but I like to doodle. I think this will be fun.

Click here to listen.

Something to think about

2010-05-03T18:48:00.000-07:00

This is a quote I saw today, and it really made me think. Jett graduated from the University of Phoenix on Saturday with a Bachelors degree. This may not seem like a big deal because a lot of people get their degree when they are younger. I wish Jett and I had both done this. But we got married at about the time that we should have been getting serious about continuing our education and careers. Instead, we were struggling to make ends meet, having kids, and buying a home. Those are good things too, and I’m glad we are where we are now, but I think things could have been easier getting here had we been a little more grounded before we jumped into the adult world without thinking ahead.

This is why getting a degree now is a pretty big accomplishment for Jett. Since both Jett and I have always worked full time he couldn’t really go to a traditional college. The University of Phoenix worked out great because he was able to do most of his schooling online, which was crucial because he travels so much. Since starting school, Jett has given up pretty much all hobbies or extracurricular activities so he can spend all his free time studying or writing papers, etc. He has worked so hard, and done so well. He always got frustrated when he didn’t get an A. Even an A- was frustrating for him. I used to tease him about it, but I’m glad that he took his education seriously and I appreciate the sacrifices he made for us.

Graduating from college is a big event, and I was pleased that my parents came to his graduation to support him. Unfortunately his parents didn't come. I was glad at first, because they make me uncomfortable, but when I thought about it more I was really bothered that Jett’s parents weren’t going to be there. Yes, they live about 10 hours away if they drove, but they could fly in too. What really bugged me was how, back at the first of the year, as soon as they found out the date of another grandson’s baptism they booked plane tickets so they could attend the baptism. Apparently the baptism of a grandson is more important than the graduation of a son. That just doesn’t seem right to me.

So that was bothering me, and then Jett told me that he had called his parents on his way home from work on Friday just to chat (trying to be the good son and all) and the conversation turned into them complaining about how “Obama’s health care plan” has made it so they can’t find a doctor (because they know we voted for Obama so it's our fault) and “don’t vote for him again” blah, blah, blah. As Jett was telling me about this I was fuming. First of all, they really don’t know what they’re talking about. They watch Fox news all day and believe all the crap they are being told so they don’t realize they are grossly misinformed. I work in the health care industry so I know more about it than they do and I know they are way off base. Jett just listened to them complaining and putting him down for voting for Obama and didn’t really say anything because he didn’t want the conversation to get bad like it did before when he got so upset.

I’m thinking that they must not care about his feelings or respect him anymore because they take any chance they can to belittle or berate him and that makes me so angry! I love Jett very much (obviously) and it upsets me to see his parents mistreating him. I think he just shouldn’t call them anymore if they are going to be rude to him when he does. He is just hoping things will get better between them, but I think his parents have crossed the line of what is acceptable behavior and what is not. In the end, though, it’s up to him; they’re his parents.

So this morning I saw this quote on Facebook, and I thought about how I’m allowing his parents to upset me. I can either be upset by them or just accept that they are who they are and Jett is the one who needs to decide how much he is willing to take. I just need to be there to support him in whatever decision he makes. I know that’s what I would want him to do if the situation were reversed. So I’m trying to just let it go and not be angry. Nobody can hurt me without my permission (repeated 10X every morning).

Redemption Song

2010-04-27T20:26:00.000-07:00

This song is Redemption Song by Bob Marley. How can you not love Bob Marley? Some of my best memories are of singing to Bob Marley with my family while we were on vacation to Yellowstone last year. It was great! This song in particular is very meaningful. I read this post the other day and it really bothered me. Jett and I have heard these same things over and over, and it’s so interesting to me that there are common things that TBM’s say to people who leave the church. And I agree with the post that the church is manipulative. The whole “plan of salvation” is manipulative. If you don’t do everything you should do you won’t be with your family for eternity!?! I know many people find the plan comforting, but I can guarantee you that Jett’s and my parents are a little uncomfortable with that plan right now, because they believe we won’t be with them after we all die.

Of course, they don’t question the plan; the plan is perfect. So the problem is obviously us. Why don’t we just follow the plan? It’s so simple. We have been given a road map for how to return to live with our Heavenly Father and we are totally disregarding it and everything our parents have taught us, and we are relying on the wisdom of man rather than the wisdom of God. Why are we so foolish?

Well, here are some of my responses to those questions. First of all, in order to have a testimony of the restored gospel you must have a testimony that Joseph Smith was a true prophet. When I was TBM it wasn’t hard for me to have a testimony of Joseph Smith. I had heard all the wonderful things he did, and learned about his teachings and they all sounded great. How could this man NOT have been the prophet chosen by the Lord to restore the gospel of Jesus Christ to the earth? And since Joseph Smith was such a wonderful prophet and man, of course the church he restored is the TRUE church of Jesus Christ. I didn’t even question whether the church was true. I had heard all these things my whole life. But what about the real stories of Joseph Smith that are not faith promoting but true none the less? Having a complete picture of the man gives me a better idea whether the church he started and claimed to be prophet of was really true or not.

Of course, there were also a few things that I wasn’t sure about growing up, such as polygamy. But it was easy to overlook those issues because they occurred a long time ago. The church doesn’t believe in polygamy now, so I don’t have to concern myself with it, right? Yeah, except that whole thing about celestial marriage. I know we don’t practice polygamy now, but what about in the celestial kingdom? Hmmmm…I’ll worry about that later. I’m sure when the time comes I’ll be comfortable with it and it will all make sense, right? But learning the truth about polygamy makes me very uncomfortable. I don’t know how the things Joseph Smith and Brigham Young did could be of God. But I guess that’s why the church doesn’t talk about polygamy. It tends to create doubt.

And then there was the tiny little problem that the church made me MISERABLE. How do I get past that problem? Well, I guess if I try to do everything I’ve been told to do the Lord will bless me with the strength to overcome my weaknesses’ (just like he blessed my Mom, according to her) so I won’t be uncomfortable doing all the things good church members are supposed to do. The problem was that even though I wasn’t happy in the church, it never occurred to me that the church was the problem. That is never mentioned in talks or Ensign articles. They only mention things you can do to feel better about the church and be a better church member. But what if I have tried those things and they didn’t help? Do I admit it to my Bishop or husband, or even to my parents? What counsel can they give me except “keep trying”? How long do you “keep trying” before you just throw your hands in the air and say “I give up!” I felt that I was doomed to either be miserable in this life in order to have eternal salvation, or I could be less miserable now and be doomed for eternity. It’s a tough decision. I chose to be less miserable now, because deep down I hoped that Heavenly Father would overlook things I did that I wasn’t supposed to do, or things I didn’t do that I was supposed to do, knowing that it was just too hard for me.

Luckily, someone came along and told us to not sweat it because the church isn’t true. He told us about MormonThink.com, and by doing so he rescued us from a lifetime of certain misery; either because we would try to do everything we were supposed to do and feel guilty because we just couldn’t do it well enough, or because we would give up trying and feel guilty because we were throwing away the gospel and ruining our eternal family. It’s possible we would have discovered these things on our own, but he helped speed up the process, that’s for sure. And he also helped us to know that we weren’t alone in our frustrations with the church and that we had support regardless of what decision we made. We owe him a lot.

Ironically, the individual who rescued us is stuck in the charade of having to pretend he still believes. This is by choice, but I hope he and his wife can see over time that it’s not worth being miserable and subjecting your children to the damaging teachings of the church in order to spare the judgment and heart ache of those close to you. Life is too short to throw it away like that. I’m working on freeing my mind. I’m done being manipulated!

Click here to listen: http://tinyurl.com/2aece93

Starlight

2010-04-26T18:56:00.000-07:00

This song is Starlight by Muse. Muse is a great band. Jett and I saw Muse in concert a few years ago and loved the show. They are amazing live! So last year when we heard they were coming in concert again we got tickets as soon as they went on sale so we could get good seats. The Boy wanted to come too so I bought three tickets last December and we waited excitedly for the show, which was on April 5.

April 5th, those of you who live in Utah may recall, was very snowy. It was a Monday, so Jett and I hurried home from work and the three of us drove down to the E-Center, which is the venue where the concert was being held. Unfortunately, the traffic was crazy and we missed the opening band, which was disappointing. But we knew we had reserved seats, so we hurried to find our seats before Muse came on. When we got to our seats there was already someone sitting there. Jett told them they were in our seats and they showed us their tickets, for those same seats, and said that the seats in our section had been sold a couple of times and we would have to talk to the guest relations desk about it.

I was furious! I busted my ass to get the best seats possible, now we were out of luck? I was ready to unload on the guest relations person and demand comparable seats, but when we got there we could see that there were many others in the same situation and comparable seats were not available. I expressed my frustration, but there was nothing that could be done to get our seats. The person sitting there purchased them fair and square too, and they got there first. The guy at the guest relations desk told Jett that they would refund our money and he had Jett write down his name and phone number so someone from the E-Center could contact him about getting a refund. Then he said that we could either go down to the floor to watch the show, or watch it from some seats to the side and behind the stage. I wasn’t happy with either option because The Boy was with us and he isn’t as tall as Jett or I so it would be hard for him to see from the floor, but I didn’t think we would be able to see from the seats behind the stage either so we decided to try the floor first hoping maybe we could see ok from there.

We stood back behind most of the crowd on the floor and were able to see alright, so we decided to watch the show from there. About 20 minutes into the show The Boy started complaining about feeling sick. I asked him what he wanted to do, but right then he just collapsed. Luckily Jett was there to catch him. He had passed out and was unconscious for a few seconds, which felt like forever to me. When he came to we helped him up the stairs to the concession area where he could sit down and have a drink of water. He was sweating and was pale as a sheet.

We sat with him for a few minutes while he recovered, but after a few minutes he said he wanted to watch the rest of the show so we went over to the seats behind the stage. The view from those seats wasn’t the best, but we wanted to be sure The Boy had a seat so he didn’t pass out again. Despite the frustration over our seats, Muse was awesome! They are an amazing band! After the show we all bought concert t-shirts and went home, frustrated, but pleased because the show was so good.

After a couple of weeks had passed and Jett hadn’t been contacted about receiving a refund he called a guy that he was referred to by the guest relations desk. This guy said that there wasn’t any money in that account and we wouldn’t be receiving a refund. He offered us three tickets to an upcoming event at the E-Center, but Jett told him we weren’t interested in any of the upcoming events and we just wanted our money back as we had been promised. The guy told him that he has worked there for 12 years and has seen money refunded only a couple of times. Jett didn’t want to argue with him so he told him he would be getting back to him and then he called me and told me the situation. Again, I was furious! I couldn’t believe they were refusing to refund our money. It was their error! They received payment multiple times for the same seats! How on earth could they refuse to give us a refund?!? I was about to call him and give him a piece of my mind, but then I stopped and thought about it. People generally don’t react well to someone screaming at them. Plus, I am not very good at confrontations, and I’m sure I would back down pretty quickly and wouldn’t get anywhere on the phone, so I decided to write an e-mail. Clearly I can express myself in writing:).

I wrote a lengthy e-mail explaining the situation, and I tried to be as nice as I could while also trying to impress upon them my frustration, and sent it to nine different people at the E-Center. I didn’t hear anything from anyone at the E-Center for several days and I was contemplating my next move when I had the idea to send an e-mail to Todd Nukem who is a DJ and program director of X96, a local radio station (I love them, btw). I forwarded him a copy of the e-mail I sent to the people at the E-Center, and he replied back to me very quickly, saying that he would check with the band’s management and also the concert promoter. Then, about five minutes later, I got an e-mail from the guy Jett spoke to at the E-Center saying simply “You will be receiving a refund check in the next week or so.”

I was very pleased to hear that we would be receiving a refund, because we deserved it, but also because I know the E-Center didn’t want to issue a refund but they had to. Ha! Take that bitches!

Ahhh…it’s the little victories that make life good.

Click to listen: http://tinyurl.com/25fdl26

The Luckiest

2010-04-21T18:57:00.000-07:00

This song is The Luckiest by Ben Folds. I like to listen to Pandora while I work. I hear a lot of songs that I wouldn’t hear otherwise, and this is one of those songs. When I heard this song at work yesterday it almost made me cry thinking about Jett. Let me apologize now because this is going to get sappy. You have been warned!

Let me back up a little (like 18 years or so). Jett and I met at a college institute class. Looking back now, I find that very ironic. Oh well. I was 18 and fresh out of high school and he was 22 just fresh off his mission. I had been skiing the day before our first institute class, and I got sunburned on my face. So there I was, walking down the hallway of the institute building before the start of our first class, with a bright red face, and I see a guy walking down the hall toward me. He was wearing jeans and combat boots, a t-shirt of The Smiths and a purple denim shirt over that. He looked like my type of guy, and I took note of his t-shirt because I liked The Smiths too and it was important to me to date someone who liked the same music I did because music has always been a big part of my life.

As luck would have it he was in my institute class, and on that first day we all went around the room and introduced ourselves and said a little something about us. I learned his name, and that he was a newly returned missionary. Check the second item on my list (notice that music was higher on the list than returned missionary. I had my priorities). So the next class I decided to wear a t-shirt I got at the Oingo Boingo concert I went to a few months before. I was hoping that would get his attention so I could talk to him, and it worked like a charm. After class he came over to me and asked if I had gone to that concert. I said I had and we started talking. Then he asked me out, and the rest is history as they say.

But a few days ago I took The Girl to the store to pick up a few things (which, of course, means an hour and $150 later) and on the way home the song We Close Our Eyes by Oingo Boingo came on the radio. Oingo Boingo is special to me because of how Jett and I met, but this song has been “our song” since just after Jett and I first started dating. There’s a line in that song that says “And if you think I’m worth it, and if you think it’s not too late. We might start falling, if we don’t try too hard, we might start falling in love.” I remember sitting in Jett’s old Cadillac parked in front of my parent’s house listening to an Oingo Boingo cassette tape (Google it kids) and then he sang those words to me and we both knew we were in love. It was a very memorable moment, and that song means a lot to me. So in the car I told The Girl that it’s a special song for us and she thought that was pretty cool. Clearly Jett and I are both music geeks and belong together:)

Last night I was sitting at the kitchen table doing some crafty thing that keeps me sane, and Jett was on his laptop doing some computer geeky thing that keeps him sane, and The Girl was talking about how we need to get out our old home videos. We agreed that would be fun for another night when we had more time. She said she wanted to see the video Jett took while on his mission of him singing to the song In Between Days by The Cure. She asked him why he was throwing socks in the air in the video and he said it was because there are socks floating around in the music video. Then he showed her the video on YouTube. This led to Jett showing her more Cure videos and then she asked about the Oingo Boingo song we heard in the car the other night. We couldn’t find a video of We Close Our Eyes, but we played a live performance of it we found on YouTube and that took us down memory lane. We are so sentimental it’s ridiculous!

It was bed time for the kids, so while they were busy getting ready for bed I played this song, The Luckiest, for Jett. I know he doesn’t really like Ben Folds, it’s not really our style of music, but I had the lyrics up for him to read and he was getting a little teary listening to it too. It’s a great love song. After the song was over we just hugged. Right then The Girl came into the kitchen to fill up her water bottle. As she walked past us she said “awkward” and we cracked up. She is awesome!

Here are all the lyrics to The Luckiest. Grab a tissue and have a listen.

I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here
And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it every day
And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?
And in a wide sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you
Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away
I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong
That I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

Click to listen: http://tinyurl.com/2d8rejd

Calling You

2010-04-13T19:48:00.000-07:00

It seems like my blog has mostly been a downer, so I’m going to write about someone who makes me happy (most of the time at least:). This song is Calling You by Blue October, and it always makes me think of my husband Jett. We have been together for almost 18 years now, and it amazes me how strong our love/friendship has grown over the years.

Like most married couples we have had our ups and downs for sure, but I think we have grown together (and grown up together) because of those tough times, to the point that we have a really great relationship now. It’s not perfect, nothing is. But I think that because we care so much about each other we want to do what is necessary to make one another happy. Since Jett travels so much we really cherish the time we have together. And this song Calling You describes those times when we are apart and we just want to call and talk about our day, or something that has been on our mind. Sometimes there isn’t a lot to talk about because nothing interesting has happened, but just hearing his voice is comforting.

Our daughter (The Girl) asked me the other day how long Jet and I were engaged before we got married, so I started by telling her about how we met and started dating. We were very compatible right away and pretty quickly we wanted to spend every waking hour together. We were engaged six weeks after our first date (yes I said six WEEKS). It seems so crazy now, but we just knew we wanted to be together. We were married less than four months after that, which was due in large part to the fact that we wanted to (or were pressured to) get married in the temple.

If there wasn’t pressure to get married in the temple we may have lengthened our engagement because we wouldn’t have been so anxious to have sex. This would have given us a chance to get some college out of the way and be in a better financial situation before getting married. That would have made things a lot easier now, but what do you do?

We are learning from our experiences and encouraging our children to focus on their college education and not pressure them to find a spouse right away. If/when they do find someone they love and want to marry; they can enjoy their engagement because they can have sex. Yep, I’m giving my kids permission to have sex before they are married; I’m a horrible mother I know. No, I’m not giving them a free pass to screw anyone who walks past, but I am being realistic. I’ll be sure they have the contraception and education they need to be happy, healthy young adults. I feel like they are already leaps and bounds above where I was at their ages. They have asked me things I wouldn’t have dared to ask my parents, even after I was engaged. I really like that we have that kind of relationship.

We aren’t perfect parents, that’s for damn sure. But I think that leaving the church has brought Jet and I closer, as well as bringing us closer to our children. I bet TBM’s would have a hard time believing that, but it’s true. The world doesn’t end when you leave the church; it’s just the beginning. OMG – I think I just said something optimistic. Fuck yeah!

Click to listen: http://tinyurl.com/y9g45kb

Hate Me

2010-04-12T15:23:00.001-07:00

This song Hate Me is a very popular song by Blue October. It's the first Blue October song that got me interested in the band. The music video is very emotional; I cry when I watch it. This song just has so much emotion to it. The very first part is a recording of a phone message to the lead singer Justin from his mom. You can tell that she really cares about him and is concerned for his well being. But the video makes me think about some of troubling things that I witnessed growing up. There are things I’ve seen that have been seared into my memory and when I think of them I feel the same feeling of sadness and despair that I felt at the time. I can’t seem to get past it.

I’m on an online community and one question that was asked was “What haunts you?” It made me think of many situations that haunt me, mostly relating to my sister (#1) who has schizophrenia. One is the first time, of many, #1 tried to kill herself.

Then there was the time (on my birthday) my parents picked up #1 and her son at the police station because she had taken drugs (which make her CRAZY) then got into a car accident because she thought the radio told her to close her eyes. She was so out of control that my parents ended up having to take her to the psych ward at the hospital so she wouldn’t hurt herself or anyone else. Her poor son was so scared; he kept describing the sound of tires squealing. He was just a toddler, probably not even two yet.

There was also the time #1 tried to kill her husband by slitting his throat while they were sleeping over at my parent’s house. I will never forget looking out of my bedroom door and seeing her at the top of the stairs at the kitchen sink washing the blood off of her knife. I was terrified.

Another time we went to #1’s apartment to pick up her kids because my parents often took them for the weekend. My sister and her husband were still asleep even though it was after 1:00 in the afternoon. My niece, who was about 2 at the time, was wearing a saturated diaper that was sagging down to her knees. My nephew, who was about 4, had tried to fix her hair by putting some barrettes in it, it was so cute, but so sad. They were scrounging for something to eat and all they could find was a container of sugar so they had been eating sugar. I loved them so much and I was heartbroken seeing them in this horrible circumstance.

When we would take the kids for the weekend we always had to take a different route when we drove them back home because once they realized they were going home they would cry and beg to stay with us. My sister and her husband wouldn’t let us keep them for very long, so we always had to bring them back. It was horrible. My parents had told the child protection services about the neglect several times, but they always called my sister to make an appointment to check out their living conditions, so of course, things looked fine when they stopped by.

But my sister’s mental state had deteriorated so bad that when her youngest son was born my parents realized they would have to do something to get the kids out of there because this baby wouldn’t survive there for long. So when he was three months old, and my niece was four and my other nephew was six, my parents asked my sister if she would let them take care of the kids for a little bit while she and her husband got help for their drug addiction. They had told my parents for a long time that they wanted to get help, so this was an opportunity they couldn’t pass up. Of course they didn’t really want to get help, but now we could make sure their kids were taken care of and whatever happened to my sister and her husband was their own doing.

It was a relief knowing the kids were taken care of, but having an additional three kids in our home was a challenge as well since there were still four of us kids at home. I tried to help my mom as much as I could so she wouldn’t get too stressed out. I did a ton of babysitting and changed a lot of diapers. I just tried to make sure everything went as smoothly as possible.

My sister and her husband never got straightened out enough to get their kids back and my parents eventually ended up adopting the two boys. My niece didn’t want to get adopted but she was raised by my parents as well. So my nephews are like my brothers, it gets confusing. They are all grown up now, for the most part, ages 19 – 25. They are doing well, by any standards other than Mormon standards. I don’t know how much of those bad times they remember, but it’s hard for me to forget them. This is something I’m working on in therapy right now. Fun, huh?

Click to watch video: http://tinyurl.com/yan8zkz

I'm Yours

2010-03-31T13:29:00.000-07:00

This song is I’m Yours by Jason Mraz. I like this song just fine, but it’s not really my style of music. We finally got a chance to take a vacation to Florida this past week and I heard this song a bunch of times. So now this song reminds me of Florida.

Our vacation was so wonderful! I really needed to get out of Utah and soak up some sun, and that’s exactly what we did. We didn’t really have an agenda, we just wanted to play it by ear and be sure to spend some good time at the beach. We spent a lot of time at the beach and the hotel pool, and then we did some sightseeing and took a pirate ship ride around the bay. That was it. We didn’t pack our days full; we just did what we felt like doing and it was so nice! I’m really glad I took a lot of pictures so I can look at them and try to remember the sights and sounds of our vacation, and this song will help.

Here are just a few pictures that make me happy.

Click to listen: http://tinyurl.com/yvh8qc

L.E.S. Artistes

2010-03-15T11:09:00.000-07:00

This song is L.E.S. Artistes by Santogold. This is a really cool song, and the video is cool too, yet oddly disturbing. I like that. Anyway, this song made me think of a conversation I had with The Boy the other day. He has a friend who is a really good kid. He’s funny and laid back and doesn’t care that we don’t go to church anymore. They’ve been friends for years, but he and The Boy have been hanging out more lately. The Boy has been over to this friend’s house a few times recently because they have been playing with his friends train set. The other day he was talking to his friend on the phone and his friend mentioned that his mom didn’t like The Boy’s earrings.

Just a little back story; when I was a teenager my sister (#5) and I both pierced our left ears a couple of times, so we both have three earrings in our left ear and one in our right ear. I always liked my earrings because they represented the bond I have with my sister, and I also thought they looked cool. When I met Jet he liked them too. He pierced his left ear several years after we were married, even though his parents didn’t really like it. It’s kind of a way to be rebellious, but not really. It reminds me of what Lisa said to Bart on The Simpson’s when he pierced his ear “An earring, how rebellious; in a conformist sort of way…”. It’s like that. When you haven’t ever done anything rebellious, an earring is pretty out there. So we were happy with our little expression of (sort of) rebellion. But then President Hinckley came out and said men shouldn’t wear any earrings and women should only wear one pair of earrings. So I took out my two extra earrings and Jet took out his earring and we, again, blended into the crowd of Mormons who have had all individuality and independent thought sucked out of them.

After discovering the truth about the church I put my extra earrings back in and The Boy decided he wanted to get his ears pierced. I told him that people would probably judge him negatively if he gets his ears pierced, but he said he didn’t care. I feel very strongly that children should be allowed to express themselves, as long as it’s not offensive to others. So we all went to the mall and got his ears pierced, it was a fun family activity. He loves it, and a lot of the girls at his school think he looks good with his earrings (which, of course, is what’s important to him). A few weeks later The Girl wanted to get her ears pierced for the first time, so Jet decided to get his ears pierced then too. Now we’re all pierced and we love it. It’s nothing extreme, just a little something to say “hey, we can think for ourselves and do what we want to do”. It’s nice.

Back to The Boy’s friend who’s mom doesn’t like his earrings; he suggested that The Boy take out his earrings when he comes over to his house and tells his friend’s mom that he isn’t going to wear his earrings anymore. So The Boy took out his earrings the next time he went over to his friend’s house, but later decided he wasn’t going to keep taking out his earrings and putting them back in because it’s too much of a pain. Now his friend’s mom has told her son that she doesn’t want him hanging out with The Boy anymore because she thinks he’s going to go downhill. This is based solely on the fact that The Boy doesn’t go to church anymore and has his ears pierced. As a mother I can understand her concern; especially a from the Mormon perspective. But I know my son. I know his heart; he is a good person. He has a good head on his shoulders, which is unusual for a boy his age. But now his friend has to lie to his mom in order to hang out with The Boy. That seems wrong to me, but I’m happy that his friend still wants to hang out with him. Since I told The Boy that this would probably happen if he got his ears pierced, he wasn’t too surprised or disappointed. I think it bothers me more than it does him.

So when I heard this song it made me think. Leaving the church is hard, especially if you live in Utah. I know people who don’t believe anymore but continue to go to church and pretend in order to spare their family pain and heartache (and judgment), to keep ward friends, and because they feel like it’s better for their kids to be raised in the church than out of it. I understand all these concerns. But I think these are ways the church manipulates people to stay in. They discourage people from leaving by making it hard to leave. I don’t like to be manipulated, so even though it is hard to leave, I’m doing it.

I can see how people can feel like raising their kids in the church is better than outside the church, but I don’t think they are seeing the negative impact the church has on young impressionable minds. It’s fairly easy for an adult to just let the lessons go in one ear and out the other. But when a teenager is going to seminary every day, church on Sunday and YM/YW activities one evening a week, it’s harder for them to just ignore the ridiculous things they are being taught. And, how are they supposed to know what things are beneficial for them to follow and what things they should ignore, especially if they can’t openly discuss things with their parents? I know from experience how devastating the church can be to one’s self esteem. I don’t want my kids growing up feeling guilty about stupid things. I’m teaching them to be honest, have integrity and treat others with respect and kindness. They don’t have to feel guilty about not readying scriptures daily, not working towards attaining an eagle scout or a young women’s medallion, and all the many, many other things the church makes people feel guilty about doing/not doing. They can be happy and feel good about themselves because they are good people.

I hope it’s worth what we are giving up to leave the church. Although sometimes it seems like it would be easier, I can’t imagine that we would be better off just pretending. We would know that we are giving in to the church and their manipulative tactics, and that wouldn’t feel right. It’s ironic that now we are truly standing up for what we believe. We thought we were before because we were going through the motions, but we didn’t ever feel strongly enough about it to stand up for it. We do now.Our kids are happy that we don’t make them go to church, they never really liked it. But I hope they can deal with the unpleasant realities that come with leaving it. I don’t think they have experienced the worst of it yet. My hope is that this will make them stronger people; people who don’t have to rely on the approval of others to be happy. They can be happy knowing they are good people and that we love them; because no matter what, we will always love them.

Click to listen: http://tinyurl.com/6jhnja

Fix You (again)

2010-03-11T14:49:00.000-08:00

This song is Fix You by Cold Play. Yes, I know I have already used this song, but these lyrics hit me today in a different way.

I called my mom the other day to ask a favor of her. This is something I have needed to ask her for a few weeks, but it has taken me this long to get up the courage to finally call and ask her. So I did, and she was fine with it. But as we spoke on the phone, struggling to find something to talk about, it was apparent to me that I don't have the relationship with my mom that I would like to have.

It seems that we have never had a close relationship even though I always looked up to her as a wonderful mom. But when I was younger I worked so hard to help (at least I thought I was helping) my parents by not being a burden that I didn’t get close to them or anyone really. I wanted to be invisible, to be unnoticed so I wouldn’t cause trouble for anyone. And that’s pretty much what I got; but it's not what I needed. What I needed, and still need, is the love and concern of my parents. I needed someone to make sure my needs were met. To tell me, and show me, that I was important and worth loving. I needed someone I could talk to about things so I wouldn’t have such a hard time doing that now. I needed someone who just wanted to talk to me, ask how I’m doing, and really want to know the answer. I want that kind of a relationship with my mom. It would be nice to be able to really talk to her, like other women talk to their moms.

It makes me sad to think about. I mourn the relationship I don’t know if I’ll ever have with her. But I don't know how to build the relationship from here. I need my mom, but I don't know how to tell her that. I think that a part of me is afraid that she just won’t care. I’m afraid that I will make an effort and nothing will change. If your own mother doesn't care about you then what does that say about you? Do I dare take a chance and risk rejection? Can I handle that kind of rejection? I also wonder if she is capable of being what I need her to be. Or maybe that’s just another excuse that prevents me from trying; I don’t know. It just seems like she is always preoccupied and busy with something else and I don’t want to be a burden. If just thinking about doing something simple like picking up the phone and calling her gives me anxiety, where do I go from here?

Click to listen: http://tinyurl.com/y9cb6g2

Chasing Cars

2010-03-05T09:59:00.001-08:00

These lyrics are from the song Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol. This really describes how I feel right now. I just want to do my own thing and not have to rely on anyone else for anything. And it’s not like we rely on people often, because we really don’t. But in the past I always felt like Jet’s parents were people we could turn to if we needed anything. I know my parents would help us if we really needed it, but I always feel like it’s a huge inconvenience to them anytime I ask them for anything, so I try to avoid bothering them when at all possible.

Jet’s parents told us a few weeks ago that they bought a house in another state and they are moving tomorrow. I have really mixed emotions about this. They have always said they want to be near their kids and grand kids. They haven’t lived near Jet’s brother and his family for the past several years because his job has taken his family out of state. But we have always lived within driving distance of Jet’s parents. They have always been a large part of ours and our children’s lives. They were the grandparents that my kids thought of when it was grandparent’s day at school, because my kids knew they would drop anything to be there for them. Jet and I have had occasions where we have taken a trip just the two of us and his parents would come stay at our house and watch our kids while we were gone. It was comforting to know that someone who cared about our kids so much was watching them. And the kids had a good time too; their grandparent’s would spoil them rotten. They have just always shown that they really care about us and our kids and that made me feel good.

Yep, everything was great until last May when we told them we no longer believe in the church. Then, in an instant, everything changed. All interactions we have had with them since then have been strained and uncomfortable. But last summer my brother-in-law’s two oldest kids came to visit for a few weeks. My sister-in-law’s family lives here too so my niece and nephew spent time visiting all their family while they were here. Jet’s parents were really excited to be able to spend some time with their other grand kids for a while and asked if our kids could come stay with them also. Our kids have a great time with their cousins so they were really looking forward to the opportunity to spend five days with them. I was hesitant because I know how Jet’s parents have been since May, but I hoped that they could get past their feelings toward us and just have a good time with the kids like they used to. But just to be safe, I told my kids that if they were ever uncomfortable they could call us anytime, day or night and we would come get them.

The kids were really excited because their grandparent’s had a lot of fun activities planned and they were excited to see their cousins for the first time in over three years. So I helped them get packed and their grandma picked them up. Our son (we’ll call him The Boy) has a cell phone so I called him the first evening to check up on them and he said everything was going fine, but he asked if we had packed church clothes for them because Jet’s parents wanted to take all the kids to church with them. I hadn’t even thought about church clothes, we hadn’t been to church for a while so it didn’t even cross my mind to pack church clothes. Then it occurred to me that their church clothes may not even fit them; The Boy is growing so fast. But I told them I would try to find them some church clothes and we could bring them over on Saturday. The Boy kind of whispered under his breath that it would be ok if his clothes didn’t fit him because he would rather not go to church, which I already knew. But I told him that his grandparents are really looking forward to showing off their cute grand kids and to just humor them.

So we got there on Saturday with their church clothes and I told both of the kids (The Boy and The Girl) to try on their clothes to make sure they fit ok. Jet’s mom just looked at me and asked “Oh, are they new?” I said “No, they just haven’t worn them in a while”. She didn’t say anything else about it after that, but the kids went and tried on their clothes and they fit ok. While we were there I was in the other room with the kids and asked them how everything was going. They said it was alright, but they said that their Granddad had gotten mad at them once. I asked why but The Boy said he would tell me more about it later. I asked if they wanted to come home and they said no. They were having a great time hanging out with their cousins. They had stayed up late every night talking with their cousins, and they really enjoyed the time they had together. Plus, they had a fun day at Lagoon (our local amusement park) planned for Monday and they didn’t want to miss that. So I just hugged them big and said goodbye.

On Monday, after they were done at Lagoon their Grandma brought them home. We all visited for a while, but then their cousins and Grandma left and we got a chance to talk to the kids and see how everything really went. They said it was fine at first, but their Granddad was a little grumpy and short tempered with them. Then the kids innocently did something that upset him and he freaked out. This kind of scared them; they thought he might hit them or something. Luckily he didn’t, but he pouted and wouldn’t talk to them for the rest of the day. He didn’t go to the carnival they had all planned on going to that day and their Grandma told them that they should all apologize to their Granddad for upsetting him. Hearing them tell me about how their grandparents had treated them made me livid. They did not deserve that kind of treatment; they were just being kids. At that point Jet and I decided that we wouldn’t leave our kids alone with their grandparents anymore. It seems like Jet’s parents are just such different people now, and now the kids are nervous and uncomfortable around them too.

When we originally told our families we no longer believed in the church, we tried so hard to still be loving and kind and do all we could to make sure that our relationships remained intact. But over the months since then, the relationship with Jet’s parents has just deteriorated to the point where I don’t really want anything to do with them anymore, which is completely different than how I felt about them a year ago. I’m really sad about that. I wish they could be like my parents and just try to get along even though we disagree. But it seems that unless we say that we were wrong and we are going back to church, they can’t be happy and we can’t have a good relationship with them.

Last Saturday we visited with them for the last time before they move. The visit was fine. We all tried not to say anything that would upset anyone else. Jet’s parents enjoyed seeing the kids, and I’m glad they had a pleasant visit. But as we drove away from their house I thought about how I won’t have to endure uncomfortable confrontations anymore. I won’t have to listen to their right wing nut job political rants. And I won’t have someone there who loves us more than anything, and someone we know we can rely on to be there for us if we ever need them. It’s bittersweet.

Click to listen: http://tinyurl.com/yzxz7e3

Willful Suspension Of Disbelief

2010-03-01T13:58:00.000-08:00

This song is called Willful Suspension Of Disbelief by Modest Mouse. It’s a great song and as I heard it this morning it made me think of a conversation Jet and I had yesterday. Our Sundays have obviously changed since we stopped going to church. We usually sleep in and just spend the day relaxing and hanging out. I enjoy having a day to just do nothing; I really need some time to decompress. But this seems to bother Jet. I think he feels like he should be doing more, and doesn’t feel like he has direction in his life. But he is comparing his life now to how it used to be when we believed in the church. I told him that he needs to decide for himself what the purpose of life is for him. I really think it is different for everyone. I don’t believe that the one view the LDS church teaches can possibly apply to everyone on the earth and make everyone happy.

Of course, the thought has occurred to us, what if it is true? What if it is screwed up but it’s the right way and we are totally messing up by leaving it? But then I think that if it is true, God has created a horrible plan by putting Joseph Smith in charge of restoring the gospel. Surely there were other people who could have restored the gospel who wouldn’t have done so many questionable things. But it’s even more than that; there have always been questionable things about the church and there are still questionable things happening in the church today. So even if it is true, which I highly doubt, I still couldn’t believe in it. I understand the concept of faith, and I think that is how I was able to continue attending church up until I lost my belief. Sure, there were things I didn’t understand; things that didn’t make sense to me, but I just kept attending thinking that I just had to have faith. But I think there is a limit to what your faith can do, and I’m way past that limit.

In any other part of my life, and I’m sure any TBM’s life, there are things that people do that make you conclude that they are not trustworthy or that a certain deal is suspicious. But when it comes to the church, you shouldn’t question it, NO MATTER WHAT. Questioning the church shows a weakness in character, but if you are taken advantage of because you had trusted someone else and got ripped off, then you should have known better.

I had lunch with my parents on Friday and we talked about my little brother/nephew (my parents raised #1's three children - it's complicated). He had a business deal turn bad because he was too trusting and ended up getting stuck in a bad deal. We just chuckled because hopefully he has learned his lesson, and luckily it wasn’t something with huge consequences, just an inconvenience for a little while. But then my mom said that people have to prove that they deserve your trust, you don’t owe trust to anyone. I’m glad they’ve learned that lesson, and I couldn’t agree more. The problem is that their philosophy applies to everything BUT the church and I think that’s really sad.

So, in order to believe in the LDS church (or any religion really) you have to suspend disbelief. You just have to believe. Even if you would normally question the situation, if it’s related to church, you need to have faith and believe. And if you do you will be rewarded; at least you think you are rewarded. You will have a belief system; you’ll know the purpose of life, where you came from, why you’re here and where you are going. You will have an immediate group of friends, no matter where you go. If you do what you are supposed to do, you will receive praise and additional responsibility, giving you status in your congregation. But perhaps the best/worst thing about believing in the LDS church is that you don’t have to think. You just have to do what you’re told and you will get your reward in the eternities. For some people this is wonderful. They have a plan laid out for them and all they have to do is just follow the plan and they’re good. For others, like me, this is very restrictive; especially if the reward for following the “plan” is not appealing. Sure, I want to be with my family for eternity, but I don’t want to be a goddess; or worse yet, one of my husband’s many wives making spirit children for eternity. No thanks!

While it may seem to make life easier to suspend disbelief, you pay a high price for surrendering your independent thought. I think that many people, deep down, have questions about the church that they ignore and just try to pretend they don’t exist. But eventually, at some point in your life you are forced to acknowledge those questions. And when you do, you either have to seriously question the church, which usually results in a loss of faith, or you just find a way to believe by clinging to flimsy explanations to your issues (like those given by apologists). But when you do find a way to overlook the issues of the church, you lose the ability to trust your instincts which leads to cognitive dissonance.

So, while I have lost the imagined comfort of having all the answers, or an immediate group of friends, etc. I do have the peace of knowing that what I do, I do because I WANT TO. I am able to read or think anything I want without fear. I’m living my life the way that feels right to me; it’s all I can do, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Click to listen: http://tinyurl.com/yf4j4sm

Time

2010-02-22T15:15:00.001-08:00

These lyrics are from the song Time by Sarah McLachlan. This is a song I’ve liked for a long time, but these lyrics stuck out to me today particularly because of a conversation Jet and I had over the weekend. It started as him asking me why I haven’t updated my blog recently. He has really enjoyed this glimpse into my mind and would like to know more of what I’m thinking. The problem is that now that I know he will be reading it I am more hesitant to post here, which is exactly why I didn’t tell him about it in the first place. So, we were talking about why it is that I have a hard time expressing how I feel, even to him. Not to rehash the whole conversation, but I brought up something I would have liked him to do and he didn’t think it was relevant to my blog and got upset. I tried to explain that it relates to my blog because it is something that bothers me and my blog is just venting and expressing how I feel, but he totally dismissed it. To me it felt like he was saying “I don’t care how you feel”. I’m sure that’s not the message he intended to send, but that’s the message I got. So at that point I just shut down, like I always do. My internal dialogue tells me that I’m not important, that no one cares about what I’m thinking or how I’m feeling. Sometimes this message is contradicted when someone shows me they care about me and that I’m important to them, but most of the time it seems that this message is confirmed by conversations like the one I had with Jet the other night. So I went to bed feeling very, very sad. I had high hopes that I would be able to share how I feel with Jet, but it seems as though I can only share my feelings with him as long as I don’t criticize him or make him feel like he is doing something wrong. I don’t know how to deal with situations like that. I would like to be able to stand up for myself and demand the fair treatment I deserve, but I just can’t. I guess it’s because I’m not entirely convinced that I do deserve it.

The next morning he asked me if I was just going to shut down and not talk to him now, so I tried. I mentioned how difficult it is having him travel so much and how I feel like I’m basically a single mom 75% of the time, and even when he is in town he isn’t available to help with the kids or housework because he is also going to school full time. He said that I knew that’s how things would be when he started school. Which is true, but after years of having my husband out of town all the time and no help with housework while trying to raise two kids and working full time, I’M BURNED OUT! I know he can’t help the situation any more than I can, but I just wanted some sympathy. I understand it’s hard for him to be away from his family so much, in addition to having to worry about school constantly. But I can sympathize with his challenges and I just wish he could acknowledge that my situation is challenging as well.

I’ve just tried to have a good attitude because whether I had a good attitude or not, he was still not going to be available so I might as well try to look at the bright side. I guess that in addition to all the other challenges we have faced this past year leaving the church I’m just at my breaking point. The bottom line is that when he is gone, all the responsibility of running our household falls onto me and I don’t have anyone to lean on when I’m tired or depressed or just in need of a break. He always asks me if I’m ok with him traveling and I just say that I’ll survive, what choice do I have? But it seems like that’s all I’m doing; I’m just surviving. Is that any way to live your life? It feels like surviving is how I’ve lived my whole life. I feel like I’m just barely managing to keep my head above water every damn day; like I am amazed that I made it through another day. Surely there is more to life than just managing to survive until the glorious moment when I can finally lay my head on my pillow and have a few hours of peace. Then the alarm goes off and it starts all over again; going through the motions so I can make it through another day. I fear that one day I will wake up and my children will be raised, my parents will be dead, my husband, siblings, friends and I will have drifted so far apart that we won’t even really know each other anymore, and I will be all alone. All alone in the emptiness I unintentionally created.

Click to listen: http://tinyurl.com/yzxwt7d

Fix You

2010-02-11T13:58:00.000-08:00

These lyrics are from the song Fix You by Cold Play. I really love this song. I’m not sure why, but when I heard it today on the way to work it made me think.

I love my husband with all my heart. He is the one person that I am closest to, but there are still things I keep from him and from everyone really. Usually it’s how I’m feeling and things like that. As I mentioned before, this behavior started long ago, when I was very young. So it’s not that I don’t love him or trust him, it’s just that I’m so used to pretending that everything is fine that I hardly know how to behave any other way. But the other day something came up that made me feel like I needed to tell him about my blog. So I did. Since he is out of town right now I e-mailed him a link, then I held my breath hoping that he wouldn’t read it and decide that I’m just too unstable to bother with. I do think he was a little freaked out, but didn’t want to tell me. He just said that he was glad that I shared with him. So I’m hoping that I can keep sharing how I feel here, even though he will be reading it. But I do love him so much. I guess if I never try I’ll never know. It may be the start of a new dimension in our relationship. At least I hope so.

Click to listen: http://tinyurl.com/y9cb6g2

Hold On

2010-02-04T18:55:00.001-08:00

*WARNING* This is a ridiculously long post. You don’t have to read it; I’m writing this mostly for me.

These lyrics are from the song Hold On by the band Jet. This is how I feel and have felt pretty much my whole life. Being raised in the LDS church it’s clear what is expected of you. For the most part you are told how to act, dress and even think. I never wanted to cause problems or disobey, so I did my best to do what I was told.

When I turned 12 and started attending the Young Women’s program at church I really started to see that I was not cut out for this religion. I was always a shy child, and when I had to give a talk or say a prayer in Primary I almost made myself sick worrying about it. I tried to avoid anything that put me in front of people or drew attention to me. Since I never actually volunteered for things that made me uncomfortable I was often able to avoid those situations, but Young Women’s was totally different.

Besides the Sunday YW class we had an activity during the week. This caused me a lot of stress and discomfort. As I mentioned, I was a shy child. I had grown up in this ward, but my best friend who had lived across the street from me my whole life, had moved away when we were nine years old and so I had become friends with a couple of other girls on my street who happened to not be members of the church. This didn’t seem like a problem at the time, but as I started to try to acclimate to the new social environment of YW I became keenly aware that I was not friends with any of these girls that I had known my whole life. I felt extremely uncomfortable at church and activities because I didn’t have anyone to hang out with and didn’t like to just sit alone. I began to make excuses for not going to the activities. My parents were always pre-occupied by something else that was more important so it wasn’t too hard for this to go unnoticed.

About this time my friends started to really push the limits of what I had always been taught was wrong. I had one friend who had an older brother just a year older than us, so he hung out with us a lot. Their parents smoked and drank, so they would sneak cigarettes and beer. We would hang out at their house on a Friday night when their parents had friends over. After 10 or 11 pm their parents didn’t care if their kids sat and drank with them. I knew this was wrong, as I had been taught the Word of Wisdom my whole life, so I never drank or smoke, I just hung out. But that didn’t stop them from trying to talk me into it every time they smoked or drank.

But I was very strong in my resolve to keep the commandments because I had seen my oldest sister (#1) when she was stoned or on some crazy drug high and it was scary. Also, I saw how much it hurt my parents to see her doing things they had always taught us were wrong. I loved my parents so much and I swore to myself that I would never cause them pain and heartache as my sister did. So, while I was hanging out with “bad kids”, I wasn’t doing anything “bad” myself, which was hard.

The problem is that I got a reputation as a bad kid, so this ensured that none of the kids my age at church would have anything to do with me. After about a year or so of trying to attend my Sunday meetings I decided that I had had enough and I stopped going to church all together. My parents had always let us choose whether to go to church or not, but if we chose to not go, we were sure to get a nice lecture topped with a heaping guilt trip from our mom after church. But as sad as it made me to do something that disappointed my parents it was nothing compared to how uncomfortable and unpleasant attending church was to me. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I have social anxiety. I have never liked social situations. I can handle small social gatherings with people I know and feel comfortable with, but in a larger group of people I don’t know at all or very well I get really uncomfortable.

Oddly enough, even though I didn’t go to church, I attended and graduated from seminary. It’s pretty easy to graduate from seminary. I put in minimal effort and it wasn’t until my senior year in high school that I actually tried to pay attention to what was being taught. One problem I had was that I hated reading scriptures. I never received any spiritual feeling or wisdom from reading them. I read the bare minimum necessary in seminary, but never on my own for my own enjoyment.

I tried but I just couldn’t ever get into the scriptures. I felt like I was just reading meaningless words. The story never really made a lot of sense and it wasn’t uplifting or meaningful to me in any way. I was baffled by people who said that if they didn’t read their scriptures in the morning their day just didn’t go as well and didn’t feel right; or people who said they needed the comfort the scriptures provided them and the answers to their prayers they found in the scriptures. I tried so many times to read them because, especially as a teenager, I really needed comfort. But I never felt anything but bored or tired when I read my scriptures.

I tried praying for comfort. I didn’t know how Heavenly Father would do it, but I felt that he could make me happy somehow. But happiness never came and things at home just got worse with #1 and (eventually) her abusive, drug dealing husband and severely neglected kids. I was very troubled by the state of things at home and felt so powerless to do anything about it. I helped out as much as I possibly could, giving up many evenings to be home to babysit or help in any way I could. But as much as I didn’t want to admit it, I was terribly depressed.

My older brother (#3) and I were fairly close and he shared with me things that frustrated him about our home and parents and the way they neglected the children in the family who didn’t cause problems. I could totally understand where he was coming from because I had that same frustrations myself, but at the same time I felt horribly sad for my parents because I knew they would never intentionally do this to us. I didn’t think they had an alternative, so I was very torn whenever I talked to him.

He had become friends with my non-Mormon friends’ older brother and his friends and when they offered him alcohol he didn’t turn it down. I think he was glad for the opportunity to escape the unpleasant reality that was our home life for a few hours. I found out pretty quickly what he was doing but I didn’t tell my parents. I knew where he was coming from. I would have done the same thing if my conscience would let me, but it wouldn’t. He ended up telling my parents about his drinking problem and eventually went to counseling for it so he could go on a mission. I remember wanting so badly to go talk to a counselor too because I desperately needed help for my depression, but I couldn’t ever bring myself to tell my parents about it, so I never got help. I just perfected the art of pretending everything was fine hoping someday it would be.

It wasn’t long before I realized that in the mental state I was in I would eventually give in to the pressure from my friends to drink too, so I decided that I couldn’t be friends with them any longer. This was very difficult because there was no way any of the girls in my ward would be friends with me, but I was prepared to just not have friends rather than do something I would regret later. So I told them we couldn’t be friends anymore because we were headed in different directions and, amazingly, they understood. We weren’t friends anymore, but we weren’t enemies either. I think they could see it coming.

I didn’t have any friends for a few months, but then a new family moved into my ward and it happened that their mom had gone to high school with my mom. One day she came over to visit with my mom and brought her daughter who was my age. We became friends pretty quickly and she encouraged me to go to church with her. I tried to go a few times, but I was just too uncomfortable to go. I really didn’t like the other girls my age and their mom’s were our YW leaders, so I felt the same judgments from them that I felt from the girls. It was a very unpleasant environment for me, so I just decided that I would wait until I graduated from High School to start going to church again since I could go to a singles ward with a bunch of new people who didn’t know anything about me or my reputation.

This worked out alright. I tried hard to fit in to the singles ward, and since I hadn’t hung out with the bad kids for a few years some of the girls from my old ward seemed to want to be friends. I even took an institute class at the local community college with a couple of my friends. I wasn’t actually going to college, although I wanted to. Of course, my parents couldn’t afford to pay for college and I was so shy that the thought of figuring out how to get financial aid and enrolling was just too much for me, so I never did. I just hoped that I would meet someone and get married. This is what my parents also wanted for us girls too. They just wanted us to find a man to take care of us and hopefully we would be able to get married in the temple so they could feel like they had done a good job as parents.

It was my luck that the first day of my institute class I happened to see a newly returned missionary who caught my eye. Long story short, we were married in the temple six months later. So, I had done what I thought would make my happy, but I was still plagued by my social anxiety as I tried to fit into relief society in a family ward and carry out callings that were way beyond my abilities as a young 19 year old. I tried so hard to do everything I was supposed to be doing, hoping that if I could just be good enough, my prayers would be answered. But no; I didn’t feel any better, and actually felt worse thinking that surely there was something wrong with me because I never received an answer to my prayers. Or that I just wasn’t important enough to Heavenly Father to concern himself with me. But the only thing I knew to do was to keep trying. I didn’t see any other option.

So, skip forward 17 uncomfortable years trying to make church work for me, and I am now faced with the realization that the church I had believed in and struggled to fit into my whole life is not what it claims to be. The person I am is the person I always felt I was “supposed” to be. Now that I don’t have those expectations on me I am struggling to find the real me. Does it exist? Did it ever?

It’s so easy to go back to the old ways of thinking and feel guilty about everything. Then I remind myself that those stupid rules and expectations are irrelevant, and what really matters is my relationship with my husband and my kids. That’s it. Are they happy? Am I doing the best I can to be the best wife and mother for them? I also realize that I need to make sure my needs are met as well. And this is a problem. Because I have gone so long without actually acknowledging that I have needs that it’s hard to stop and think of what my needs are. Let alone actually going to the effort to make sure they are met. It’s just so much easier to do what I’ve always done.

So I’m not so much trying to remember who I am as much as I’m trying to figure out who I am and who I want to be. Do I have the courage to be myself even if it means being different and going against the (Utah) norm? It’s a tough thing to do. I am surrounded by church members at work and at home. I know what members think of apostates, I used to think those things too. So it’s a time of discovery for me. I think this self discovery is usually done by most people in their teenage years. I guess it’s better late than never.

Click to listen: http://tinyurl.com/ygy8npv

We Can Work It Out

2010-02-01T13:50:00.001-08:00

These lyrics are from the song We Can Work It Out by The Beatles. When I hear this song I think about my relationship with my family since I have told them that I no longer believe in the Mormon church. I’ve mentioned previously how Jet’s (my husband – not his real name) parents have reacted. But my family has been very different. One huge difference is that I have two sisters who also no longer believe in the Mormon church.

Let me explain; I have one sister (I’ll call her #2 because she is the second out of six children in my family) who lives in Italy right now. She is several years older than me and we have never been close, although I think the world of her and we get along fine when we are together. We just don’t talk regularly. I have communicated with her through Facebook, but I don’t speak to her over the phone like my other siblings do. I’m just weird about talking to people on the phone, so there are only a few people I actually call to talk to regularly, and she is not one of those people.

So, when Jet and I were questioning the church at the end of 2008 I told the one sister with whom I am very close (I’ll call her #5) about the things that we were discovering because I know she has struggled with the church for years. #5 got married young and they didn’t get married in the temple so she has always felt bad about that and pressure to get sealed in the temple. But her husband is bi-polar and he can’t go to church, he just can’t be around people like that. So she has always felt bad that if they die they won’t be sealed to each other or their children. Obviously this is troubling to her because she has four children and she adores them and her husband and wants to be with them for eternity. But she also hates church. She has social anxiety, like me, and church makes her very uncomfortable.

So I thought she would benefit from knowing the information I was learning. I was careful when I told her, but I just said that she shouldn’t feel bad about not liking church or not being sealed in the temple because I don’t think it is true. Then I told her about mormonthink.com. I said to read it if she was curious about polygamy (which is something that has always bothered both of us) or anything else she has been curious about. She was very hesitant to look at that information, because as much as she was miserable in the church, she thought it was true and had always been told, as we all have, to not look at anti-Mormon material. So she didn’t really look at it, but a couple of days later she talked to #2 on the phone. She recalled how #2 had told her a while back that she had been frustrated with church and decided to ask her why. So #2 took that as an opportunity to tell #5 all the information she had discovered because she also knew how miserable #5 had been. Coincidentally, this was the same information I had discovered. This was enough for #5 to get up the courage to look for herself. As she read she became more and more angry because she realized she had been duped. The church was not true and she had spent her whole life miserable and stressed over nothing. So she told #2 about me and #2 sent me an e-mail detailing her journey out of the church that she had made the past year.

It totally blew my mind! #2 was very devout, and always had been since she had gotten married many years ago. But early 2008 she was reading a Mormon related newsletter online and it had an ad on the side that said something about finding out information about the church that you didn’t know. Since she had been a member all her life she was curious to see if there was information she didn’t know. Well, obviously she found a lot of information that she didn’t know. This ignited an intense desire to find everything she didn’t know, so she spent the next six months or so reading. The result of her reading led her to the conclusion that the church was not true, and she talked to her husband about what she had discovered. He wouldn’t listen to her. He loved the church and was saddened that she was reading information against it. She was only interested in learning the truth, but as with most members, truth that is negative to the church is anti-Mormon, and he had no interest in it. So #2 tried to continue going to church with her family, as her children were still very active too, but it drove her crazy to hear the lessons and know the truth that was being hidden or white washed. So in the beginning of 2009 her husband said that for her sanity she should stop going to church. He continues to go with their children, but she stays home, and it seems to work out.

So, it was early 2009 that #5 & #2 and I (I happen to be #4 of six children) all discovered that we no longer believed the Mormon church was true. This is an interesting quandary. It wouldn’t be too hard for #2 to keep this information from the other believing members of our family because she is in a different country. But #5 and I live near our parents and other believing family members so pretending to believe was not really an option. Plus, I live in the same ward as my brother (he is #3 and also the only boy of the six children) so he already knew I wasn’t going to church and I was sure he had told my parents, but since my family is very non-confrontational no one had asked me why I wasn’t going so I didn’t say anything about it.

But I knew I needed to tell my parents and other siblings eventually because I wanted the opportunity to explain why I had stopped going to church rather than have them assume the usual things the church teaches about people who leave or become inactive: they wanted to sin, they were offended or disagree with leaders, etc.

I also want to mention that Jet and I had been having meetings with our Bishop due to our diminished church attendance. We didn’t tell him all the information we were researching but told him a few of the largest issues we had with the church (polygamy, blacks and the priesthood, the church’s involvement in proposition 8) and gave him the opportunity to help us come to an understand as to why these things occurred. He couldn’t say anything except read the scriptures and pray and we would come to an understanding of these things. Or he said that there are some things we won’t understand until we die, which is not an adequate explanation to me.

We did try reading the scriptures and praying. We didn’t get a confirmation that the church was true, but we did get a confirmation that it wasn’t true. True Believing Members (TBM’s) call this being swayed by Satan, because if you don’t get a spiritual witness that the church is true YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING WRONG. Anyway, after we knew for sure that the church wasn’t true we decided that we needed to tell our Bishop, as a courtesy, that we don’t believe the church is true and that’s why we would not be attending church anymore. We wanted to make it clear that we were not offended, etc. We actually really like everyone in our ward, but when someone stops attending church everyone in the Ward becomes hyper sensitive worrying that they did something to offend that person. So we met with our Bishop and told him why we were no longer going to attend church and that we still wanted to be friends with him and others in the ward, but we didn’t want church related contact. He was grateful for our openness and said he would make sure that happened, and so far it has, for the most part.

So #2, #5 and I decided that it would be best if we all told our parents at the same time, so they wouldn’t have to get the shock three different times. I know this seems harsh, but we thought it would be like pulling off a Band-Aid, do it quickly and hopefully it wouldn’t be as painful. So we each wrote a letter to our parents telling them about our journey of discovery and put them together in one envelope and mailed it to them.

Our Mom and Dad each wrote a letter to the three of us. My Mom tried to explain some of the issues that had been brought up, but her explanations were the same ones we had heard all our lives that just weren’t good enough at this point. But she said that this won’t change our relationship as a parent’s love is unconditional and since we have each had a chance to say our peace we should just not mention it again. That was totally fine with me. My Dad’s letter was very different, he didn’t try to explain our issues, he just said that he was sad. He said that he is old and nearing the time of the judgment and he is concerned for us because of the choices we are making. He said he chose a wonderful mother for us and wants us to all be together in the afterlife and he is concerned now that we may not be. I was very sad reading both their letters, but I knew that they would be ok.

At the same time I e-mailed my youngest sister (#6) and #3 a letter explaining that we no longer believe the church is true so they would also know. I found out later that my parents called a meeting with #6 and #3 after they got our letters to formulate a plan of how to handle us. #6 told #5 later about the meeting and said it was basically my parents discussing that they should treat us all the same but not discuss the things we have issues with and DON’T read the information we have read. Isn’t that sad?

So, my family get togethers are actually very pleasant compared to those at Jet’s parent’s house. This is something I was thinking about over the weekend because we had our monthly get together to celebrate the January birthdays and my sister-in-law (#3’s wife) had also planned the Court of Honor for their son, who was getting his Eagle Scout, for the same night so we would already be together for that. It was a little awkward going to our church for the Court of Honor, because it’s been almost a year since we have been there, but it also felt good to go there to support my nephew, because he is a great kid and has worked hard to get his eagle scout.

So back to the lyrics from We Can Work It Out. I feel like my family has done a great job at doing this. I know they are sad that half of us have left the church, but I think they know that all they can do is love us and we can work it out. And we are. I am grateful for them. There are times when I have wanted to move far away from my family because sometimes they make me crazy, but it’s nice to know that when it really comes down to it, they love us, and we love them. It’s ok if we don’t believe the same thing.

Click to listen: http://tinyurl.com/4fwonj

Picking Up The Pieces

2010-01-25T13:23:00.001-08:00

This song is Picking Up The Pieces by, you guessed it, Blue October. It is supposed to be about the challenges faced by people in the military when they come home from war or serving overseas, but it really describes how I feel a lot of the time, except I have no good reason for it. I’m just messed up.

I’ve been feeling really sad and heavy hearted lately, mainly because of my in-laws. I mentioned previously that they haven’t taken it very well that my husband and I no longer believe in the Mormon church. Well, a few weeks ago my husband (let’s call him Jet) was at their house going over some financial information they put together with their will, and he said all was fine until he was getting ready to go. His mom asked if they could talk about church. He said sure, hoping they could resolve some issues. He just wants them to acknowledge that there are issues with the church and that they could understand how he might have a hard time believing, even though those issues don’t bother them. They want him to keep trying to get a spiritual witness that the church is true, hoping that once he receives a spiritual witness he will go back to church and all will be well. I’m certain that neither will happen.

Just a little back story; when we told them we no longer believe the church is true, back in May, they asked us if we would each read the Book of Mormon and pray sincerely about it to know if it was true. We said we would, mostly to appease them. So we finally finished reading the BoM and praying about it last month, and Jet sent them an e-mail telling them that, which is why they wanted to talk to him when he was at their house. They questioned whether we had read the BoM and prayed about it with an open mind and a sincere heart. He said we had, but our definition of “open mind and sincere heart” may be different than theirs. They said that if he is reading anti-Mormon material and not following the Word of Wisdom (they noticed we had a coffee maker the last time they came over to our house) then he isn’t in the right frame of mind to receive an answer to his prayers.

The conversation went back and forth and his dad got more and more accusatory, but when his dad started talking about how angry he is with Jet’s friend who gave him anti-Mormon material to read, Jet had finally had enough. The problem is that Jet discovered a co-worker friend of his was also seriously questioning the church so they both enjoyed talking about it, and his friend gave him a document he had put together outlining his issues. Jet thought it was really well written so he printed it off and gave it to his parents when we met with them to tell them that we no longer believe. Ever since then they have been stuck on the idea that it was Jet’s friend who started it all and his parents have been so angry with this friend. This has really upset Jet, because he told his parents at the time that he already knew about all that stuff and no longer believed when he and his friend first talked, and has also mentioned this to his parents several times since then, but they won’t listen to him. They want someone to blame and Jet’s friend seems to be the scapegoat they are looking for.

So when Jet’s dad mentioned how upset he was with his friend who had given him this anti-Mormon material, Jet kind of lost it and told his dad (in a very loud voice) that he needed to stop blaming his friend and if he was looking for someone to blame he could blame Joseph Smith. He was very upset because his parents just won’t listen to him. He left after that and hadn’t talked to his parents since, but last week his mom e-mailed him a letter that pretty much ripped his heart out.

I wish I could post her whole letter here because it is so utterly ridiculous that it almost makes your head explode to read it. But the bottom line is that from the first moment we told them that we don’t believe the church is true they have categorized us. They have a mental image of apostates and no matter what we do, they are determined to put us in that category. We have tried hard to not fit that mold, but Jet’s outburst seemed to seal the deal in their minds.

He wrote his mom a letter back explaining why he got so upset and how frustrated he has been that they have treated him differently, etc. She replied saying that maybe she overreacted with her first letter, etc., but she thinks he should apologize to his dad because he is very hurt. Jet doesn’t really want to apologize because he feels like he was justified, but he thought about writing a letter telling his dad that he feels bad that things got to the point they did, without actually apologizing, hoping that would be good enough.

Jet hasn't responded to his parents yet, but he was in Memphis yesterday on a business trip and happened to have time to stop in at Graceland, which he has always wanted to see because he is a huge Elvis fan *roll eyes*. His parents are too, so he thought this would be something they could talk about and help them get past the unpleasantness of their last visit. So he called his parents several times while he was touring Graceland and they didn’t answer. He thought that maybe they were in church, but finally, after he got back to his car he called again and they answered. His mom seemed uneasy talking to him but he asked if his dad was there. She said he was on the computer, and Jet asked if he could talk to him. She said his dad doesn’t want to talk to him on the phone; he wants to talk to him in person. Jet said that he was in Graceland and just wanted to talk to his dad about it. She just made small talk but never put his dad on the phone, so after a few minutes he just said he’d talk to them later and said bye. Jet was pretty upset that his dad won’t talk to him until he apologizes, in person.

So what does he do now? He doesn’t want to apologize, because he feels that he was justified in getting upset. He didn’t say anything personally offensive or rude to his dad, he just raised his voice in saying that his parents were wrong to accuse his friend of being the one that caused him to leave the church. But if he doesn’t apologize they may not talk to him again (and I really think they could do it, they can hold a grudge like nobody’s business). At this point I am so angry with them that I don’t care if we never talk to them again. But I know that Jet will be devastated to not have them in his life because he has always been close to them.

So, all this turmoil has me feeling so frustrated and angry. I feel so bad for Jet. He is so sad right now. I don’t know how to deal with my frustration and sadness because at times it just gets too overwhelming, so I drink. I didn’t realize how much I’ve been drinking until Jet came home from a business trip on Friday and noticed how much wine, rum and vodka I’ve drunk since he left a week and a half ago. He is concerned that I’ll become an alcoholic. I’m less concerned about that because I know that I don’t have to drink, I just do it because it helps me feel better. But now he is gone again and last night after he told me about his parents I wanted to drink to make it all go away, for a few hours at least. But I know he will be keeping an eye on the liquor and I don’t want him to worry about me.

And this is where the part of me comes in that tries to put on a good face and pretend everything is ok. I’m thinking in the back of my mind that I could go to the liquor store and get my own bottle of vodka that he won’t be checking. Then I could drink myself happy and he wouldn’t know it or worry about me. And then, of course, I feel horrible for thinking that. I don’t want to hide things from him anymore. I want to be open with him, but I don’t know if he can handle knowing what I’m really thinking all the time.

So I didn’t drink last night. I wanted to, but I didn’t. I just felt all the pain and sadness that leaving the church has caused, in addition to the usual mental anguish that I routinely experience. It really sucks.

Click to listen: http://tinyurl.com/ycdrpvk

California Dreamin'

2010-01-21T21:16:00.000-08:00

These lyrics are from California Dreamin' by The Mamas & The Papas. As I was leaving work today I noticed all the cruddy grey snow around and I thought about how that pretty much sums up how I'm feeling right now. Or why I'm feeling the way I am. Anyway, I am so tired of winter! I think I am one of those people who get Seasonal Affective Disorder. I get really depressed and bummed out in the winter; mainly because I love to be outside and in nature. But in the winter, all I want to do is stay inside and sleep.

Ever since we went on our cruise a couple of years ago I get e-mails from cruise companies trying to tantalize us with great deals. I got one of those e-mails yesterday that nearly had me calling to book the cruise right there and then. I forwarded the e-mail to my husband, suggesting that this would be awesome right now, since it's so cold and crappy and I really want to get out into some warm sun and sand and I NEED A VACATION, RIGHT NOW!

He reminded me that we are adults and we have jobs and responsibilities and we can't just plan a cruise for a month from now and leave like that. DAMN! He's right. We can't just up and leave on short notice.

I guess I'll just drink myself happy instead. That's what's getting me through this winter.

Click to listen: http://tinyurl.com/yjfmthn

Angel

2010-01-20T12:02:00.001-08:00

These lyrics are from a song called Angel by Blue October. These particular lines stuck out to me today. I have a friend who just had a baby who is having problems. My first thought was to pray for her baby. Then a feeling of disappointment hit me. Why should I pray? What good would that do? I don’t really believe in prayer or even God anymore. I receive no comfort from prayer. How do I help my friend to know that I care about her and I’m hoping for her baby to pull through? I have told her this, and maybe that fact alone has given her comfort. I have tried to send positive and comforting thoughts her way, but I’m not sure exactly how that all works. I guess I’m at a bit of a loss as to what to do now.

I used to think I could turn to God when things were tough. The problem with that was that I never felt help, comfort or even acknowledgement from him that he heard my prayers or understood my pain when I was actually desperate enough to appeal to him. So not having that option is not really a letdown, I guess, just a little disappointing.

Then I think about how ridiculous it is to plead to some higher being in hopes that in his infinite wisdom or compassion, he will grant our prayers. And if he doesn’t, then it wasn’t meant to be, right? Or perhaps we weren’t praying with enough intensity or sincerity. Or, even worse, maybe some shortcoming or sin of ours has caused our prayers to be overlooked or rejected. Is it just me or is that totally fucked up?

So I guess the thoughts that are swirling around my head right now are that, while I don’t have the comfort of God to turn to, maybe that’s ok. Is it realistic to hope that some higher being will step in and alter the course of events just because we asked? Or is more realistic to hope for the best but accept that things don’t always work out the way we hoped they would, and that is just the way life is? I think that as harsh as the reality is that we are on our own here, it’s more comforting to know that if things don’t work the way we want them to it’s not because we are being punished for not being as good as we should be or any of the other reasons given for prayers not being answered the way we want, it’s just because these things happen. There doesn’t have to be a reason. It just is the way it is. Maybe that’s easy for me to say because it’s not my baby hooked up to machines clinging to life right now. But even if it were, I don’t think I could believe in God, not even then.

To me, more than ever this means that we need to be there for each other; help and comfort each other. This seems to be what brings happiness and peace. Not praying over and over to an invisible being that may or may not even exist.

This is more reason to live each day as though it were your last. No one really knows what comes next, even though there are many who claim they do. To live a miserable life now in hopes that it will pay off in the eternities is really sad to me. I just can’t believe that the purpose of living is to just follow some arbitrary rules, and the ones who do that the best get the best reward in the afterlife? What knowledge is gained from that? How do people benefit from just being sheep blindly following? When you learn to be good to others and do the right thing because you want to, not because you fear the judgment of God, that’s when life takes on more meaning.

But, I may be totally wrong. I guess none of us will know the true answers to these questions until we die. I’m ok with that.

Click to listen: http://tinyurl.com/ycmz56u

My Never

2010-01-19T12:47:00.001-08:00

These lyrics are from a song called My Never by Blue October. Did I mention that Blue October is one of my favorite bands? Yeah, thought so. I know when I can’t stop listening to them that I’m not in a good place, but at least I have company while I’m there.

This song is from their latest CD Approaching Normal. I fell in love with Blue October from their previous CD, Foiled. After I got Foiled I realized how good Blue October is so I bought all their other CD’s, and I love them all. It’s rare for me to like every song by a certain artist, but I truly do love all their songs.

So this song, My Never, really gets to me. I don’t know why, because the song is about a love that can never be, and I’ve never really experienced that. I’ve seen Blue October in concert twice, and when I watch Justin sing this song in concert, there I am, just feeling every emotion he is putting into it, and the tears come streaming down my face. It’s rare for me to drop my guard like that and just feel and show my emotion. It actually feels really good.

The overall feel of this song is of loss, regret and sadness over something that can never be. I think I relate so much to this song because I feel a lot of sadness and regret when I look back at my childhood and growing up in general. I wish I could have done things differently then so things would be different now. I have always hated sadness in general. I always felt like my heart was like an exposed nerve, so sensitive that any little pain would cause me extreme anguish. Because of this I have become distant and closed off from everyone. I am truly saddened that my relationship with my parents is just superficial. That’s the way all my relationships are, even with my husband but to a lesser extent, and that makes me sad. The problem is that I’ve done this for so long that I don’t know how to change. I’m terrified of being rejected. I guess that’s what it boils down to. I want so badly to be loved and accepted that I will settle for being completely ignored and inconsequential rather than take the risk of rejection.

Two years with my current therapist and I have finally come to this discovery. I guess it’s progress.

Click to listen: http://tinyurl.com/y94jly7

I Am A Rock

2010-01-14T11:25:00.000-08:00

These lyrics are from a song by Simon & Garfunkel called I Am A Rock. It describes me really well. I have built walls and avoided becoming close to people as a means of protecting myself from heartache and pain. And it has worked to a certain extent. The flip side is that I am missing out on real and close relationships.

I mentioned in my previous post that I am not very close to my parents. This is partly their fault and partly my fault. I think it started when I was very young and observed our family going through a lot of difficulties dealing with my oldest sister who has schizophrenia. She took a lot of time and attention and I grew up observing the challenges and heartbreak she cause my parents and siblings. It broke my heart. I always loved my parents dearly, as most children do, so I thought I was doing them a favor by not telling them if I needed something or was missing out on something. Since I had no control of all the other stuff that was happening I thought that at least this was something I could do to help them.

What I didn't realize at the time was how badly I was damaging myself. The message I was sending myself was that I wasn't important. My needs were not as important as everyone else's and my feelings didn't matter. My parents didn't directly send this message, but they fostered it by allowing me to continue my behavior. Maybe they didn't know what I was doing, but they should have. That's what I've realized over the years. I tried to not blame them. But as I have become a parent myself I realize how much I was neglected and taken for granted. I couldn't blame them because I loved them and was doing this for them. I couldn't blame my sister and her mental illness because she couldn't help the fact that she was mentally ill. It wasn't her fault she was like this. So who do I blame? Myself, of course. When all else fails I can always find a way to turn the blame back to myself.

So, that's how I have gotten to where I am. Over the years I have never trusted anyone enough to really share how I feel. I never felt that I was important enough to them to even care about how I was feeling. I don't know how to get out of the fortress I have built to keep out hurt and pain. The problem is that it doesn't actually keep out hurt and pain, it just seems to keep in what has accumulated over the years and I can't get rid of it.

I wish I felt no pain; that I never cried.

Click to listen: http://tinyurl.com/y9tkj7y

The 21st

2010-01-11T13:27:00.001-08:00

These lyrics are from a song called The 21st by Blue October, which is one of my favorite bands. Their lyrics really speak to me a lot.

This song - and this line in particular - is what I thought of after this weekend. Not referring to my mother, but my husband's mother. You see, we have recently left the Mormon church. We were both life long members and both our parents are still very devout, but we no longer believe it to be what it claims to be. This may not seem like a big deal for some people, but for Mormons this is a big deal because if you don't do all the things you are supposed to do while you are on the Earth you will not be with your family for eternity after you die. So now our parents are very sad that they will not have us with them when we all die.

My parents have taken the news pretty well, considering. They don't like confrontations so they told me (in a letter) that they are very sad, but they still love us and our relationship won't change, and so far it hasn't. However, my in-laws are a completely different story. We have had many uncomfortable conversations where they have tried to convince us we are wrong, mostly by bearing testimony, which is terribly ineffective and annoying. They can't address the issues we have because there is no logical explanation. The only thing they can rely on is that they feel good about the church so it must be "the one and only true church on the earth".

So, while his parents say they will always love us, there is a huge difference in our relationship with them now. My husband was always a good kid. Always done everything they asked him to, and consequently, he has always been close to his parents. They have commented on what a wonderful son he has been, they could have raised a dozen kids like him, etc. But now that we have left the church they treat him differently. They still love him, just not the way they did before. It makes me really sad for him.

I guess now his relationship with his parents is about the same as mine has always been with my parents. Not because I ever did anything wrong, but because my family is large and my parents have a lot to worry about, and I'm never the squeaky wheel. All we have right now is each other and our kids. I guess that's OK.

Click to listen: http://tinyurl.com/ycvtukb

Imagine

2010-01-08T11:06:00.000-08:00

I love this song by John Lennon. It really speaks to me about how simple life could be if you take away the things that just complicate it. Things such as religion, politics, status, etc. I know it is unrealistic to hope for the whole world to change, but I can make this change in my life. I'm working toward that goal every day.

Click to listen: http://tinyurl.com/yaxmrmk